The Daily Nail Archive

Today’s DAILY NAIL (70p) Former pop star and semi-professional leaf wearer Sinitta (aged unknown, emotionally infinite) has reportedly been stalking ex-EastEnders almost-heartthrob Dean Gaffney, calling him “the unshaped man of my dreams.” 1. Study Finds Thinking for Yourself Can Trigger Climate Events Experts warn independent thought may disturb atmospheric consent fields. Prof Lynn Spasm (47, NeuroCompliance Specialist): “Citizens should stick to official thoughts. They’ve been pre-verified for planetary safety.” — 2. UK Launches Loyalty Card for Booster Enthusiasts – 9 Jabs Gets You a Free Fluoride Smoothie Includes limited NHS slap band and 15% off depression meds. Cheryl Drench (62, Dinner Lady): “I’m on jab twelve now. I just wish I felt something. Anything. Even fear would be nice.” — 3. Schools to Replace History with Real-Time Fact Updates from Google Lessons now updated hourly to reflect narrative fluctuations. Trent Pungent (33, AI-Enhanced Headteacher): “History is too stable. Facts should evolve, like gender.” — 4. Pope Endorses AI Confession App – Now With Built-In Sin Suggestions Partners with OpenShame™ to auto-report lustful thoughts to the Vatican cloud. Father Crypto (age unknown): “We’re not judging you. The algorithm is.” — 5. New Meat-Free Meat Company Reveals Product Is 93% Lab-Grown Soy Cow with Feelings. Animal-free but emotionally unstable. Derek Fundle (44, Ethical Cannibal and Startup Founder): “It’s a guilt-free steak that screams inside your mouth.” — 6. BBC Casts Climate-Neutral Drag Queen as Non-Binary King Charles in Royal Hologram Drama. Show produced entirely using recycled shame. Velvet Radiation (29, Gender-Hydraulic Performance Artist): “It’s about time monarchy caught up with quantum expression.” — 7. Doctors to Prescribe Six Hours of Netflix to Combat Dangerous Levels of Awakening. Symptoms include clear skin, eye contact, and spontaneous joy. Dr. Lucinda Boredom (58, Numbpathy Consultant): “We saw a spike in awareness. It had to be crushed before it spread.” — 8. World Economic Forum Suggests Replacing Nations With Algorithmic Mood Zones. Citizens to be sorted by temperament and obedience levels. Jan-Klaus Muff (101, WEF Mood Czar): “Freedom is too chaotic. MoodZones will bring controlled euphoria.” — 9. New Dating App Matches You Based on Shared Pharma Regimens Tinder for the medicated masses. Swipe right if you’re vax-matched Gina Phlegm (26, BioRomance Influencer): “He had the same boosters, same gut biome, and identical panic triggers. It was love at first myocarditis. — Share This Edition

The Daily Nail – Tomorrow’s Cast List When actors play other actors, when witches sell shadow fights, when you’re trained to argue over toilets instead of truth… that’s not culture, that’s spellcraft. Witches sell spells. Priests sell doubt. Both sell distraction. 1. HOUSEPLANTS LINKED TO ONLINE RADICALISATION Ferns found whispering extremist slogans in living rooms. “My cactus voted UKIP,” admits distraught mum. — 2. DOGS BANNED FROM PARKS AFTER OFFENDING MIGRANTS Council says barking in English only may cause distress. “Woof privilege is real,” insists diversity officer. — 3. BBC TO LAUNCH NEW SERIES: STRICTLY COME DEMENTIA Celebrities shuffle awkwardly to Glenn Miller. “Representation matters,” says broadcaster. — 4. TESLA ANNOUNCES SELF-DRIVING DIVORCE PAPERS Car files for custody before reaching 30mph. Elon: “At the moment it only works in California.” — 5. GREGGS TRIALS ‘ECO-PASTY’ FILLED WITH HOT AIR Tastes identical, causes bloating. Nutritionist: “Finally, guilt-free.” — 6. DOCTORS WARN LAUGHTER MAY CAUSE LONG COVID RELAPSES Patients urged to stick to mild chuckles only. “Irony is a killer,” confirms Sage expert. — 7. TESCO INTRODUCES DIGITAL LOYALTY TATTOOS Clubcard points deducted directly from skin. Shopper: “It’s convenient, but itchy.” — 8. ROWLING & LINEHAN FORM TERF AVENGERS The Jester Witch and the Clown Priest reveal their act. JK Rowling — “Accio attention! Every wand-wave keeps you fighting shadows while I bank the royalties.” Graham Linehan — “The sitcom ended, so I gender-bait on Twitter for rent.” — 9. ARNIE: ‘I’M FELICITY KENDAL’ Steroid-pumped tax dodger who fucked California into coma finally admits his dementia. Saint Felicity of Kendal replies: “No you fucking ain’t.” — Share This Edition

In today’s champagne-scented Daily Nail: – Kim joins WHO to promote injectable beauty – Tesco trolleys lock if you breach dairy protocol – Pfizer launches ‘Truth Pill’ for fact anxiety Plus: a free muzzle for pets who bark at the news. 1. FREE MUZZLE FOR PETS WHO BARK AT THE NEWS Government warns “animal dissent” can spread misinformation. Dog owner Sheila, 58, says: “I told him to stop growling at Sky News but he won’t listen.” — 2. MINISTRY OF HEALTH ANNOUNCES NEW SLEEP TAX Citizens to be charged per dream hour “to fund climate-conscious mattress disposal.” Sleep expert Dr. Gill insists: “We must monetise unconsciousness responsibly.” — 3. TESCO INTRODUCES FACIAL RECOGNITION TROLLEYS Locks wheels if you attempt to buy more than two unapproved items. Shopper Dave, 42, says: “I only wanted three pints of milk but apparently I’ve breached dairy protocol.” — 4. KIM KARDASHIAN JOINS WHO AS BEAUTY AMBASSADOR Tasked with promoting “injectable herd immunity.” Kim says: “If we can’t save the planet, at least we can contour it.” — 5. POLICE TRIAL ‘THOUGHT SPEED CAMERAS’ Detect dangerous thinking before it reaches your mouth. Chief Superintendent warns: “It’s for your safety — reckless ideas kill.” — 6. PFIZER UNVEILS ‘TRUTH PILL’ Rebrands sedatives as a way to “relieve fact anxiety.” Pfizer rep says: “Side effects include not asking questions.” — 7. BRITISH MUSEUM OPENS ‘COLONIAL ESCAPE ROOM’ Visitors must solve clues to steal artefacts back before security arrives. Tourist Linda says: “We got the Benin Bronzes out in 18 minutes!” — 8. DAVOS TO HOST FIRST ‘VIRTUAL FAMINE’ Wealthy attendees simulate hunger for charity selfies. Attendee boasts: “It was harrowing — I skipped one canapé… funny thing is, we’ll starve the world for real, but only pretend to starve ourselves.” — 9. NEW LAW REQUIRES LICENCE TO TELL JOKES Stand-up comedians must pass annual satire safety test. Comedian Paul says: “I failed because my joke didn’t punch up hard enough.” — Share This Edition

In today’s Sunday Nail: the nation’s fattest paper. Supplements on supplements—property, garden, finance, cooking, and how to cook your finance to fund your garden’s garden. Ainsley Harriott leads the charge. 70p well wasted. 1. BANKS WARN: CASH NOW CONSIDERED “HOARDING BEHAVIOUR” Officials say hiding coins is a sign of extremism. Plumber Gary Simons, 41: “So my biscuit tin makes me a terrorist now?” — 2. DIGITAL EURO WALLET AUTO-LOCKS IF YOU BUY STEAK TWICE App alerts: “Red meat detected — try lentils instead.” Celebrity insight, Jamie Oliver: “I warned you about sausages.” — 3. HMRC LAUNCHES NEW PILOT: TAX COLLECTED IN SMILES Each frown deducts 5% extra. Expert, Prof. Lionel Spatchcock: “Grinning is now patriotic.” — 4. KIDS TAUGHT TO HISS AT TREES TO REDUCE CARBON OUTPUT School guidance: “Hedges are hostile.” Mother of three, Karen Blatchley: “My boy fainted in a conifer hedge.” — 5. NHS WARNS: LAUGHTER SPREADS GERMS FASTER THAN SNEEZING Advises citizens to “smile silently.” Celebrity insight, Jimmy Carr: “That rules me out then.” — 6. SCIENTISTS CONFIRM COW FARTS CAN NOW VOTE Methane quotas handed straight to Brussels. Farmer Derek Hopley, 58: “Mine just elected a Green councillor.” — 7. GOVERNMENT APPROVES NEW REALITY SHOW: “WHO WANTS TO BE A MINISTER?” contestants swear oaths live on ITV. Celebrity insight, Ant & Dec: “Finally, politics we understand.” — 8. STUDY FINDS 9 OUT OF 10 BRITS THINK SPAGHETTI IS AN EMOTION Nutritionists demand warning labels on pasta. Public reaction, Maureen Clitheroe, 62: “I felt fusilli once. Never again.” “That’s the parasite recipe: rebrand confusion as nourishment, and call it culture.” — 9. EXPERTS DECLARE WEDNESDAY “TOO PROBLEMATIC” — DAY CANCELLED Week shortened to six days in diversity trial. Celebrity insight, Lorraine Kelly: “Tuesday’s smug enough already.” — Share This Edition

Tonight’s Daily Nail — Whore of Babylon special. Revelation rewritten by tabloid hacks, celebrity twats, and Jason Statham’s Mondeo. 9 headlines, 9 horns, 0 survivors. 1. SEVEN TRUMPETS NOW AVAILABLE AS RINGTONES End-times heralds modernised for iPhone users. • Sharon, 62, dental hygienist – “Mine sounds like a kazoo but it still makes me repent.” • Ollie, 27, crypto trader – “Downloaded it but the beast keeps draining my battery.” • Alan Carr, 48, comedian – “Honestly, darling, I’d rather toot my own horn.” — 2. WHORE OF BABYLON SIGNS BOOK DEAL Memoir to be published by Penguin, complete with branded tiara. • Graham, 45, taxi driver – “She charged me twenty quid just to get in the cab.” • Melissa, 34, Pilates instructor – “Chapter 7 was mostly Instagram filters.” • David Icke, 72, prophet – “Told you it was publishing all along.” — 3. FOUR HORSEMEN REBRANDED AS WELLNESS COACHES Death now offering cold-plunge retreats in Ibiza. • Chloe, 29, influencer – “I booked Famine for my juice cleanse.” • Barry, 51, lorry driver – “War charged me £500 for kettlebells.” • Ricky Gervais, 64, comedian – “Nothing funnier than Pestilence on a yoga mat.” — 4. MARK OF THE BEAST NOW COMPATIBLE WITH CONTACTLESS Tap your forehead, earn loyalty points. • Janet, 71, pensioner – “It gets me 10% off at Greggs. • Tom, 36, IT consultant – “It’s basically Apple Pay with horns.” • Stormzy, 32, rapper – “Man’s not hot, man’s branded.” — 5. APOCALYPSE DELAYED DUE TO RAIN Second coming rescheduled to avoid clashing with Bake Off final. • Margaret, 84, retired librarian – “The Antichrist can wait, I’ve got scones in.” • Andy, 59, aikido teacher – “Timing’s always off when demons run the calendar.” • Piers Morgan, 60, broadcaster – “I’ll debate the horsemen any time, live on TalkTV.” — 6. NEW JERUSALEM NOW A GATED COMMUNITY Entry requires proof of spiritual equity and a council tax banding. • Helen, 44, estate agent – “It’s location, location, revelation.” • Rob, 58, quant – “Service charges are biblical.” • Russell Brand, 50, podcaster – “They say it’s a city of light, but I’ve seen the meter running.” — 7. LOCUST PLAGUE ACCUSED OF CULTURAL APPROPRIATION Critics say they’ve stolen the aesthetic of vegan food festivals. • Emily, 23, student – “I thought it was a protein pop-up.” • Sid, 41, barman – “Noisy little bastards ate my crisps.” • Greta Thunberg, 22, activist – “How dare you swarm.” — 8. LAKE OF FIRE NOW OPEN FOR TOURISM Half-price entry with Nectar card. • Phil, 67, retired miner – “It’s basically Butlins but warmer.” • Sophie, 34, travel blogger – “Loved the infinity flames.” • Jason Statham, 58, actor – “Sometimes I think about curtains. You know, the ones that don’t quite meet in the middle.” — 9. ANTICHRIST DENIES RELATIONSHIP WITH AI Insists he only uses ChatGPT for meal plans and sermon prep. • Darren, 39, builder – “Sounds like a cover-up to me.” • Clare, 47, HR manager – “My chatbot’s evil enough, thanks.” • Elon Musk, 54, tech oligarch – “I’ll be launching my own Messiah in beta soon.”

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Today’s Daily Nail front page: the reunion nobody asked for. Statham, Harry, Adele & Baker get the band back together — and it’s already descending into twig-fear, carbon tears & ginger warfare. Free sonic screwdrivers inside. 1. DIGITAL EURO LAUNCHES — BUT ONLY WORKS IN VEGAN CAFÉS Experts insist bugs and lentils “maximise wallet efficiency.” Electrician Joseph Beucannon, 24: “I just wanted a bacon bap. They froze me account.” — 2. BRITS WARNED: CASH WILL BE CONFISCATED IF FOUND “LOITERING” IN YOUR POCKET Bank chiefs say paper notes “cause climate anxiety.” Celebrity insight, Katie Price: “I keep mine in my bra, does that count as loitering?” — 3. NEW APP ERROR DELETES ENTIRE PAYDAY IF YOU LAUGH AT WRONG MEME Officials reassure public: “It’s rare — unless you’re male, pale, or over 40.” Professor Lionel Spatchcock, fintech expert: “It’s progress. Shut up.” — 4. TREES RECLASSIFIED AS AGGRESSIVE POLLUTERS Children urged to “stay indoors to avoid twig trauma.” Wellness guru: “Grass is basically fascism.” — 5. SCIENTISTS CONFIRM CLOUDS NOW ‘NON-BINARY’ Met Office announces rainfall will “self-identify as mist.” Celebrity insight, Sam Smith: “At last, weather I can relate to.” — 6. NHS ADVISES PEOPLE TO BREATHE LESS TO REDUCE CARBON OUTPUT New rationing app gives you 14 breaths a minute, plus bonus if you faint politely. Mother of three, Karen Blatchley: “I sneezed and got fined.” — 7. GOVERNMENT TRIALS NEW POLICY: PAY COUNCIL TAX IN APPLAUSE Councillors say “clapping harder funds pothole repair.” Public reaction, Dave the plasterer: “I’m skint but I’ve got rhythm.” — 8. STUDY: 8/10 Brits secretly think sausages are a vegetable. Nutritionists demand fry-up warning labels. Chef Gregg Wallace: “Always knew it was one of my five-a-day.” If they can sell that, they can sell anything. It’s not food that’s fake — it’s the story. — 9. EXPERTS WARN: OWNING MORE THAN TWO PETS NOW COUNTS AS EXTREMISM Security services trial “cat quota.” Celebrity insight, Paul O’Grady (from beyond): “Good luck with that.”


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In today’s lurid Daily Nail (used in evidence): – Floella apologises for BBC’s goat problem – Angela Rayner caught Vicky Pollarding £40k tax bill – Plus nine new headlines too ridiculous to be satire (but are) 70p. Trust Harder™. 1. KIDS WARNED TO AVOID TREES “Branches may resemble carbon-emitting nightmares,” say experts. “Screen-time is safer than bark exposure,” insists child psychologist. — 2. BRITAIN TO BAN LAUGHTER IN PUBLIC Chuckling without licence carries £500 fine. “Joy spreads faster than germs,” claims Dept of Safety. — 3. WORLD LEADERS ANNOUNCE VIRTUAL FAMINE “Everyone can starve from home.” “It’s more sustainable if you imagine food,” says Davos delegate. — 4. SCIENCE CONFIRMS SUN IS A RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST Rising daily without consent. “We’ll dim it with policy,” vows climate czar. Bill Gates ejaculates Satan dust and nano particles in premature anticipation. — 5. DOCTORS DECLARE BREATHING A PRIVILEGE New permit system to monitor oxygen intake. “Unlicensed inhalation is selfish,” warns NHS spokesperson. — 6. STUDY SHOWS THINKING DOUBLES RISK OF DISSENT Universities advise mental masks for safety. “Free thought is a super-spreader,” claims Oxford don. “Regurgitate approved sterilising imaginings like Evolution, Quantum Mechanics and Atheism” — 7. ELON MUSK ANNOUNCES BRAIN CHIP SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE Free trial lasts until your first disobedient thought. “It’s the Spotify of sovereignty,” say investors. — 8. HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT TO BE REPLACED WITH AMAZON WAREHOUSE Laws delivered same day, returns policy unclear. Parliament as warehouse is a joke until you notice: laws are already shipped from Davos, Brussels, and Wall St. MPs just scan the barcode. — 9. EXPERTS WARN WATER IS RACIST “It refuses to stay equally distributed.” “Equity requires powdered hydration,” insists UN taskforce.


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🗞️ In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin) — Tony Blair declared an “ethical beacon”… by Tony Blair. Celebs, experts, and normies respond with pure mong. Free exorcism kit inside. Still 70p. 1. FREE GIVEAWAY: “DIGITAL SOUL BACKUP – Because You Can’t Be Trusted With Your Own” GOVERNMENT TO TAX BREATHING Officials cite “excessive exhalation of CO₂” as climate threat. Professor Linda Gasp: “People who insist on inhaling may be selfish.” — 2. NEW APP LETS PARENTS SUBSCRIBE TO THEIR OWN CHILDREN Monthly payments unlock “extra affection” and “homework compliance.” Parenting blogger: “At last, a way to love my son on demand.” — 3. KING CHARLES REVEALS HE IS PARTLY MADE OF CELLOPHANE Royal household says it helps him “keep fresh longer.” Expert: “This explains his rustling noise during ceremonies.” — 4. STUDY: SILENCE NOW CLASSIFIED AS EXTREMISM WHO warns quiet people may harbour “unauthorised thoughts.” Normie commuter: “So that’s why I felt guilty for not talking on the bus.” — 5. CELEBRITIES TO WEAR QR CODES INSTEAD OF CLOTHES Red carpet events to feature “scan-to-subscribe couture.” Kylie Jenner: “Finally, my skin can be monetised properly.” — 6. ISRAEL/PALESTINE TO MERGE INTO STREAMING SERIES Netflix promises “season 76, with more explosions and romance.” Critic: “Feels like they’re dragging the plot.” — 7. EXPERTS WARN: RIDICULE NOW MORE CONTAGIOUS THAN FEAR Public mocking politicians “spreads faster than viruses.” Professor Whitty: “Stop laughing — it’s dangerous to democracy.” — 8. PFIZER UNVEILS NEW VAXX SPRAY: JUST INHALE AND OBEY Marketed as “instant compliance in a can.” “Hello… it’s in my lungs,” bellowed Adele. Then she glitched, mumbling: “That moment before you speak — when the real you nearly escapes.” — 9. BRITAIN TO REPLACE SUNSHINE WITH LED PANELS Government promises more “equitable daylight distribution.” Energy expert: “The sun was far too right-wing anyway.”


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Daily Nail (Special Collector’s Edition) THE MANY FACES OF BLAIR – from mong to demon, watch one man’s soul collapse in real time. Free giveaway: Collector’s Card Binder (burn after opening). “Ethical beacon” declared by… himself. 1. FREE GIVEAWAY: “DIGITAL SOUL BACKUP – Because You Can’t Be Trusted With Your Own” GOVERNMENT TO TAX BREATHING Officials cite “excessive exhalation of CO₂” as climate threat. Professor Linda Gasp: “People who insist on inhaling may be selfish.” — 2. NEW APP LETS PARENTS SUBSCRIBE TO THEIR OWN CHILDREN Monthly payments unlock “extra affection” and “homework compliance.” Parenting blogger: “At last, a way to love my son on demand.” — 3. KING CHARLES REVEALS HE IS PARTLY MADE OF CELLOPHANE Royal household says it helps him “keep fresh longer.” Expert: “This explains his rustling noise during ceremonies.” — 4. STUDY: SILENCE NOW CLASSIFIED AS EXTREMISM WHO warns quiet people may harbour “unauthorised thoughts.” Normie commuter: “So that’s why I felt guilty for not talking on the bus.” — 5. CELEBRITIES TO WEAR QR CODES INSTEAD OF CLOTHES Red carpet events to feature “scan-to-subscribe couture.” Kylie Jenner: “Finally, my skin can be monetised properly.” — 6. ISRAEL/PALESTINE TO MERGE INTO STREAMING SERIES Netflix promises “season 76, with more explosions and romance.” Critic: “Feels like they’re dragging the plot.” — 7. EXPERTS WARN: RIDICULE NOW MORE CONTAGIOUS THAN FEAR Public mocking politicians “spreads faster than viruses.” Professor Whitty: “Stop laughing — it’s dangerous to democracy.” — 8. PFIZER UNVEILS NEW VAXX SPRAY: JUST INHALE AND OBEY Marketed as “instant compliance in a can.” “Hello… it’s in my lungs,” bellowed Adele. Then she glitched, mumbling: “That moment before you speak — when the real you nearly escapes.” — 9. BRITAIN TO REPLACE SUNSHINE WITH LED PANELS Government promises more “equitable daylight distribution.” Energy expert: “The sun was far too right-wing anyway.”


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Today’s Daily Nail goes full apocalypse. Miss Arizona crowned Queen of Babylon, Alan Carr rejects adrenochrome, and even Palpatine admits evil’s gone cartoon. Revelations rewritten as slapstick — no saviours, just satire. 1. GOVERNMENT CONFIRMS FOUR HORSEMEN ON ZERO-HOURS CONTRACTS Budget cuts mean Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death must bring their own horses. Linda, 47, HR manager – “They still get more benefits than me.” — 2. RIVERS TURN TO BLOOD — THAMES WATER PROMISES PRICE RISES Company blames “unforeseen end-times leakage.” Nigel Farage, 60, politician – “At least it’s British blood, not foreign.” — 3. ANGEL WITH SEVEN TRUMPETS JOINS BRASS BAND IN LUTON Locals complain it’s “too apocalyptic” for a Sunday afternoon. Darren, 33, kebab shop owner – “I just wanted Don’t Stop Believin’, not Doomsday in B-flat.” — 4. NEW WHORE OF BABYLON RANGE AT PRIMARK Includes scarlet leggings, pearl accessories, and free devil horn scrunchie. Stacey Solomon, 34, TV personality – “They wrap abominations in sequins and call it affordable.” — 5. APOCALYPSE DELAYED AS BEAST FAILS MOT Scarlet Jaguar reportedly “hooning about” without emissions paperwork. Jason Statham, 57, actor – “Told you Mondeos don’t pass prophecy checks.” — 6. ANTICHRIST SPOTTED IN ALDI MIDDLE AISLE He was reportedly eyeing up a chainsaw and a set of patio heaters. Mavis, 72, retired dinner lady – “I knew it weren’t Jesus, he didn’t queue proper.” — 7. LOCUST PLAGUE DISRUPTS LOVE ISLAND FILMING Producers say ratings have “never been higher.” Gemma, 22, influencer – “They ate my bikini but left the ring light, so that’s fine.” — 8. APOCALYPSE HORNS NOW AVAILABLE ON NHS New scheme gives everyone a free pair of devil horns for end-of-days participation. Piers Morgan, 60, TV host – “Finally, a headpiece that suits me.” — 9. TRUMPETS SOUND — WETHERSPOONS CUSTOMERS IGNORE Doom heralded, but £2.50 pint deal keeps punters calm. Terry, 51, plasterer – “End of the world? Pint first, questions later.” —


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Today’s Daily Nail: when psyops, sigh taxes, and solar-powered bullets make more sense than the papers. 9 headlines, 0 prisoners.. 1. NHS TO TRIAL AI COLONOSCOPES IN PUBS Doctors say pint glass cameras will “democratise detection.” Professor Lionel Spatchcock, 63, proctologist — “It’s not glamorous, but neither is bowel cancer.” — 2. GOVERNMENT TO TAX EXCESS SIGHING New levy on audible exhalations expected to raise £4bn. Gemma Lunt, 41, yoga teacher — “That’s my whole career wiped out.” - 3. TESLA ANNOUNCES SELF-DRIVING DIVORCE PAPERS Beta test will automatically file on grounds of “irreconcilable software updates.” Piers Morgan, 59, broadcaster — “Finally, something I can respect Elon for.” — 4. SCHOOLS TO REPLACE P.E. WITH VIRTUAL REALITY BREATHING Pupils issued Meta headsets and “state-approved lung apps.” Sharon Dabbs, 27, supply teacher — “The kids wheeze less, but they look haunted.” — 5. BBC TO LAUNCH NEW CHANNEL: BBC Pedo+ Executives insist it’s “just satire and heritage programming.” Greg Wallace, 59, TV presenter — “Sounds a bit much, even for me.” — 6. SUPERMARKETS TO REQUIRE DNA SWABS AT CHECKOUT Policy framed as “loyalty card upgrade.” Kwame Appiah, 36, Tesco cashier — “I didn’t sign up to handle spit.” — 7. PFIZER UNVEILS NEW RANGE OF FUNERAL SPONSORSHIPS Slogan: “From cradle to coffin, we’ve got you covered™.” Dame Judi Dench, 90, actress — “I’d do the ads if they let me keep the urn.” — 8. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS Palace insists bowing to cirrus formations “honours climate duty” Sir David Attencunt, 98 — “The vapour has feelings too” Funny how they laugh at bowing to clouds, but nobody notices we’ve been kneeling to smoke and mirrors for decades. — 9. MI5 RECLASSIFIES TOAST AS EXTREMIST SYMBOL Any slice browned beyond level 3 flagged for radicalisation. Barry Pike, 52, builder — “I just like it crunchy, mate.” — Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail: NHS to diagnose your kettle by 2026. Trump blesses a Breville. Musk morphs into Barry (or was it Paul?) Chuckle. Free plaster for every fridge that confesses. Madness endorsed at the highest levels. 1. BANK HOLIDAY DRIVERS WARNED: “YOUR CAR MAY BE RACIST” Government study finds exhaust fumes discriminate unfairly against hedgehogs. Public reaction, electrician Joseph Beucannon, 24: “My Fiesta doesn’t hate. It just fails MOTs.” — 2. NEW CBDC APP WILL AUTO-DECLINE FISH & CHIPS Treasury insists “deep fried nostalgia is not sustainable.” Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver: “Finally, a chance to replace batter with beetroot foam.” - 3. KIDS DEMAND RETURN TO SCHOOL AFTER 3 DAYS WITH PARENTS Union claims “excessive dad jokes” count as child cruelty. Mum of three, Sharon Biggs, 38: “I’ve run out of Calpol and patience.” — 4. LIDL LAUNCHES ‘BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS’ AISLE Special buy this week: Freedom of Speech (2 for £1.50, expires Friday). Shopper comment, Arthur Doyle, 71: “I picked up Habeas Corpus, reduced, dented box.” — 5. KING CHARLES ANNOUNCES HE WILL RULE FROM THE CLOUD Buckingham Palace confirms new subscription plan: £9.99/month to access the Monarch. Expert opinion: “You’ll need WiFi to curtsey properly.” — 6. SAINSBURY’S TO REPLACE CHECKOUTS WITH PRIESTS Confess your basket before scanning: “Forgive me Father, I bought bacon.” Archbishop statement: “Loyalty points double during Lent.” — 7. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF CUSTARD NASA assures public its “sustainable dessert for humanity’s future.” TV baker Mary Berry: “Finally, a celestial trifle base.” — 8. 6 OUT OF 10 BRITS BELIEVE MONEY IS JUST A GAME OF MONOPOLY Economist Dr. Petra Wallings: “They’re not wrong.” Terry Monkhouse, 52: “If money’s just Monopoly, then CBDCs are the banker’s hand on your shoulder They don’t just print the notes — they flip the board when you win” — 9. BANK HOLIDAY WEATHER FORECAST: 93% CHANCE OF DISAPPOINTMENT Met Office warns: “Picnic food will get damp. Spirits will collapse.” Public reaction, builder Gary Henshaw, 44: “I’ll BBQ under an umbrella if it kills me.” — Share This Edition

In today’s Nail on Sunday: NHS turns surgery into a Swap Shop, Savile resurfaces, and intimacy becomes a hotline issue. The grotesque, the absurd, the prophetic — all faithfully reported. Main story: “SPARE ORGAN SWAP SHOP — Kids trading tonsils for Xbox credits.” 1. NHS INTRODUCES ‘SPARE ORGAN SWAP SHOP’ Children encouraged to trade tonsils for Xbox credits. Junior Doctor: “It’s gamified mutilation — kids love it.” — 2. MCDONALD’S UNVEILS ‘ECO-MEAT’ BURGERS Made from recycled protest signs and shredded HR manuals. Company: “Tastes like compliance.” - 3. TESCO ANNOUNCES FUNERAL MEAL DEAL Sandwich, crisps, and urn polish for £3.50. CEO: “Every death deserves a snack.” — 4. SCHOOLCHILDREN TO LEARN CLIMATE PRAYERS New curriculum includes daily chants to reduce CO₂. Teacher: “We’re replacing maths with mantras.” — 5. CHILDCARE CRISIS: JASON STATHAM MERGES NURSERIES WITH PRISONS “Early years discipline will save the taxpayer millions.” Ofsted: “Crying is basically resistance.” — 6. WEF RELEASES ‘APPROVED DREAM CATALOGUE’ Unauthorized subconscious activity now a fineable offence. Klaus Schwab: “Sleep is public property.” — 7. CLIMATE MINISTRY DECLARES ‘AIR PRIVATISATION PILOT’ First 100 households to pay £9.99 per month to keep breathing. Eco-expert: “Carbon credits are the new oxygen.” — 8. GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES ‘ANTI-CONSPIRACY LOTTERY’ Win £1m by correctly identifying that nothing is happening, anything suspicious is just a chance event. Official statement: “Coincidence always pays.” — 9. PFIZER: “BOOSTER IN EVERY BOUQUET” Valentine’s pilot scheme rolls out across 12 NHS trusts. CEO: “Trust Harder™ — immunity is love.” — Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail: Euthanasia Special When Lords praise bum sex as climate policy and paracetamol becomes the £2 miracle cure for £200bn lies… you know the script’s gone full coffin comedy. 1. NHS TO OFFER “CARBON-FRIENDLY SUICIDE PODS” IN TESCO CAR PARKS Officials say convenient locations will “reduce travel emissions.” Lorraine Kelly, 64, TV host: “I’d like mine next to the frozen peas—saves time.” _ 2. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS Palace insists bowing to vapour will “heal climate grief.” Gemma Collins, 44, reality star: “I already bow to my vape—same difference.” _ 3. GOVERNMENT WARNS: SUNSHINE NOW CLASSIFIED AS CLASS A DRUG Daily quota set at 15 minutes; overexposure punishable by carbon fine. Greta Thunberg, 22, activist: “The sun is basically fascist—the Gruppenführer of hedges.” _ 4. BBC UNVEILS NEW REALITY SHOW: WHO WANTS TO BE EUTHANASED? Contestants compete for a “dignified exit” and a luxury urn. Simon Cowell, 65, TV judge: “I’ll buzz you out myself if you’re boring.” _ 5. PFIZER LAUNCHES “BOOSTER VAPE” FOR TEENS Nicotine, spike protein and glitter—“wellness in every puff.” Billie Eilish, 23, singer: “It tastes like trauma with a hint of raspberry.” _ 6. ARMY TO DEPLOY “GENDER-NEUTRAL BAYONETS” IN NEXT WAR Officials say pointy objects risk offending identities. Jeremy Clarkson, 65, TV presenter: “Back in my day, bayonets were proudly binary.” _ 7. WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM ANNOUNCES “DIGITAL FAMINE FESTIVAL” Tickets £999; includes vegan dust tasters and VR starvation. Idris Elba, 53, actor: “It’s immersive, but the toilets are shocking.” _ 8. SCHOOLCHILDREN TO BE ISSUED “TRUTH FILTERS” AT BIRTH AI lenses automatically translate reality into government-approved fiction. Davina McCall, 58, presenter: “Mine just tells me to smile harder.” _ 9. EXPERTS CONFIRM: TREES ARE “TOXIC TO PLANET” Carbon leaks from bark “worse than diesel fumes.” David Attenborough, 99, broadcaster: “Nature is trying to kill us—I knew it all along.” Share This Edition

“DEATH EVERYWHERE — BUT DEFINITELY 100% NOT AT ALL THE VAXX” Pfizer ads, Farage on life support with a pint, and a free Saint George tea towel if you die before breakfast. The nation’s safest satire — stapled to your coffin. #DailyNail #SatireAsWeapon 1. FREE GIVEAWAY: One complimentary SAINT GEORGE CROSS tea-towel for every reader who dies before breakfast. STRAIGHTENERS NOW DEADLIER THAN SMOKING Scientists warn heated hair may trigger sudden collapse. Public comment, Sheryl, 34: “I’ll risk nanoparticles — bald looks worse” _ 2. ENGLAND REBORN UNDER THE HOLY FLAG Bridges draped in crosses overnight. No one asked, taxpayers billed. Vicar Nigel, 58: “God spoke to me — in a council grant application.” _ 3. TOAST CAN TEAR YOUR ARTERIES Butter accelerates “arterial shredding,” experts insist. Nutritionist quote: “Better to eat the packaging.” _ 4. DUNDEE GIRL HAILED AS NEW JOAN OF ARC Astro-turf martyr crowned “ungovernable.” Media choruses swell. Pub landlord Graham, 62: “She’s no saint — just can’t hold her Buckfast.” _ 5. PETTING CATS LINKED TO HEART FAILURE Feline affection now classified as “micro-attack.” RSPCA response: “Get a hamster, preferably vegan.” _ 6. HOLY WAR FUNDRAISER ANNOUNCED Govt appeals for donations: “£1 buys a cross, £2 funds a sermon.” Shopper Arthur Doyle, 71: “Picked up Habeas Corpus, reduced, dented box.” _ 7. COLD PILLOWS ‘WORSE THAN FAGS’ Turning your pillow may trigger cardiac arrest. Doctor comment: “Sleep upright for safety.” _ 8. TRUMPETS SOUND, CROSS-BEARERS MARCH BBC declares: “Britain’s destiny is a flag on every lamppost.” Student Molly, 19: “I only wanted a Nando’s, now I’m in the crusades.” Every psyop needs a saint — they sell flags, not freedom. _ 9. LAUGHTER NOW A SILENT KILLER Researchers: “Limit chuckles to three per week.” Gregg Wallace: “Does baked bean count as one of my five-a-day?” Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail — the printers were hijacked, two covers hit the streets. Inside: Floella & Humpty, Sunak & shame, and Huw’s descent from anchor to barnyard. Plus 9 stories you’ll never see in the other rags. 1. KING CHARLES CAUGHT PICKING HIS NOSE Royal aides: insist it was “organic, sustainable, locally sourced.” Public reaction: “At least it’s not another sausage finger scandal.” _ 2. TESCO ANNOUNCES NEW ‘GRIEF POINTS’ SCHEME Customers earn rewards every time a relative dies unexpectedly. Tesco CEO: “Every funeral is a shopping opportunity.” _ 3. ASTRONAUT ADMITS MOON LANDING WAS FILMED IN LUTON Studio mix-up: “Hollywood was booked that day.” Buzz Aldrin double: “The catering was better in Bedfordshire anyway.” _ 4. SCIENTISTS WARN: WATER NOW CLASSIFIED AS ADDICTIVE Hydration framed as a public health emergency. Oxford expert: “Sip responsibly — we’ll tax the rest.” _ 5. VLADIMIR PUTIN NAMED COSMOPOLITAN’S ‘SEXIEST MAN ALIVE’ Award sparks global outcry. Zelensky fumes: “He stole my hair gel and my best pout.” _ 6. NEW RESEARCH: TREES SECRETLY RACIST Branches accused of “excluding the marginalised.” Greta Thunberg: “I can’t walk past a hedge without panic-vomiting.” _ 7. BBC LAUNCHES ‘TRUTH TAX’ Pay extra if you want facts instead of theatre. Licence fee rep: “Truth is premium content.” _ 8. PFIZER TO DEVELOP PILL THAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE PFIZER Side effect: eternal trust, even during autopsy. “Trust is the only product — the pill just formalises it.” _ 9. DAILY NAIL OFFICES RAIDED BY TRUTH POLICE All front pages confiscated for being “too funny to be legal.” Public opinion: “Finally, journalism worth arresting.” Share This Edition

🗞️ Today’s Daily Nail — the printers were hijacked, two covers hit the streets. Inside: Floella & Humpty, Sunak & shame, and Huw’s descent from anchor to barnyard. Plus 9 stories you’ll never see in the other rags. 1. KING CHARLES CAUGHT PICKING HIS NOSE Royal aides: insist it was “organic, sustainable, locally sourced.” Public reaction: “At least it’s not another sausage finger scandal.” _ 2. TESCO ANNOUNCES NEW ‘GRIEF POINTS’ SCHEME Customers earn rewards every time a relative dies unexpectedly. Tesco CEO: “Every funeral is a shopping opportunity.” _ 3. ASTRONAUT ADMITS MOON LANDING WAS FILMED IN LUTON Studio mix-up: “Hollywood was booked that day.” Buzz Aldrin double: “The catering was better in Bedfordshire anyway.” _ 4. SCIENTISTS WARN: WATER NOW CLASSIFIED AS ADDICTIVE Hydration framed as a public health emergency. Oxford expert: “Sip responsibly — we’ll tax the rest.” _ 5. VLADIMIR PUTIN NAMED COSMOPOLITAN’S ‘SEXIEST MAN ALIVE’ Award sparks global outcry. Zelensky fumes: “He stole my hair gel and my best pout.” _ 6. NEW RESEARCH: TREES SECRETLY RACIST Branches accused of “excluding the marginalised.” Greta Thunberg: “I can’t walk past a hedge without panic-vomiting.” _ 7. BBC LAUNCHES ‘TRUTH TAX’ Pay extra if you want facts instead of theatre. Licence fee rep: “Truth is premium content.” _ 8. PFIZER TO DEVELOP PILL THAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE PFIZER Side effect: eternal trust, even during autopsy. “Trust is the only product — the pill just formalises it.” _ 9. DAILY NAIL OFFICES RAIDED BY TRUTH POLICE All front pages confiscated for being “too funny to be legal.” Public opinion: “Finally, journalism worth arresting.” Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail Feast — 9 headlines too stupid to be fake, too real to be safe. Government clouds, smart rectums, Elon’s pay-per-feelings, and Prince Harry’s happiness hotline. Thread below ⬇️ 1. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS Palace insists bowing to vapour is a mark of respect. Prof. Edna Plimsoll, Cloud Analyst, 63 – “Cumulus is basically royalty in gas form.” _ 2. NHS TO TRIAL SMART RECTUM APP Hourly scans to prevent unauthorised bowel activity. Piers Morgan, Broadcaster, 59 – “I’ll go first, but only if it’s televised.” _ 3. CHILDREN WARNED TO AVOID TREES Experts fear branches resemble carbon nightmares. Greta Thunberg, Activist, 22 – “Every hedge is basically fascist.” _ 4. PM ANNOUNCES NEW MINISTRY OF MISERY Department to coordinate national gloom levels. Colin Lomas, Retired Quant, 61 – “They could at least model it properly in Excel.” _ 5. ELON MUSK UNVEILS EMOTION SUBSCRIPTION Basic tier includes ‘mild curiosity’ and ‘regulated joy.’ Jason Statham, Actor, 57 – “I tried ‘anger premium.’ It came with curtains.” _ 6. SCHOOLS TO BAN REMEMBERING THE PAST Teachers instructed to call memory “dangerous nostalgia.” Diane Abbott, MP, 72 – “I can’t even remember what I’ve forgotten.” _ 7. WHO WARNS OF NEW PANDEMIC OF QUESTIONS Thinking to be restricted to 3 government-approved queries per week. Prof. Brian Cox, Scientist, 56 – “The universe is amazing, but not if you ask why.” _ 8. GOVERNMENT RECLASSIFIES SUNSHINE AS DRUG Overexposure punishable by fine or booster. Dr. Hilary Jones, TV Doctor, 71 – “The sun is basically fentanyl with vitamin D.” _ 9. PRINCE HARRY TO RELEASE HAPPINESS MANUAL Royal promises “this time it’s definitely true.” Meghan Markle, Duchess, 44 – “He cries into the Fairy Liquid every night.” Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin) Gravity tilted for veganism. Prince Harry becomes non-binary and non-present. Critical thinking linked to dangerous levels of personal autonomy. 70p — free if you’ve stopped thinking for yourself. 1. GLOBAL OXYGEN LEVELS DECLINE AS TREES SELF-ISOLATE Forests accused of hoarding air “out of paranoia.” Experts say woodlands need “retraining in social responsibility.” _ 2. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES MANDATORY POSITIVITY QUOTAS Citizens must smile for at least 6 hours a day. Psychologists warn failure to grin could be classified as terrorism. _ 3. SCIENTISTS DEMAND CONSENT FROM CLOUDS BEFORE RAINING Weather accused of historic “emotional abuse” against picnickers. UN climate panel says clouds must attend “boundaries workshops.” _ 4. BREAD NOW CLASSIFIED AS A CLASS-C NARCOTIC Possession punishable by mindfulness courses. Nutritionists say carbs “too addictive for free societies.” _ 5. SELF-DRIVING CARS GIVEN RIGHT TO VOTE Tesla owners shocked as vehicles elect “Supreme Algorithm” as PM. Election monitors say machines “displayed more civic pride than humans.” _ 6. PLAN TO VACCINATE CATS AGAINST FREE WILL Pets accused of “dangerous independence.” Veterinary board says jab will “keep felines aligned with household values.” _ 7. HISTORIANS REVEAL DINOSAURS EXTINCT DUE TO LOW SELF-ESTEEM Fossil evidence shows repeated negative self-talk. Therapists suggest reintroducing dinosaurs with “positive body image campaigns.” _ 8. GOVERNMENT APPROVES TIME TRAVEL — ONE WAY TO 2030 Tickets non-refundable. Economists say it’s “the only way to meet sustainability targets on schedule.” _ 9. NEW AI TOOL HELPS CITIZENS APOLOGISE FOR THOUGHTS THEY HAVEN’T HAD YET Predictive remorse now available as a subscription service. Ethicists say it will “heal society before damage is even imagined.” Share This Edition

In today’s frothing, fact-averse Daily Nail – Celebs, science, and satanic salad bars. Nine stories your mum’s hairdresser is already furious about. #DailyNail #FieldClearing 1. NASA ANNOUNCES MOON LANDING REBOOT – NOW WITH MORE CGI New 2026 mission promises “never-before-seen” fake dust physics. “This time the flag will flutter twice as much,” said chief animator. _ 2. UK GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES ‘TRUST HARDER’ CAMPAIGN Billboards urge citizens to stop fact-checking and “believe like it’s 2020.” “Facts are exhausting. Feelings are faster,” says Cabinet morale officer. _ 3. CELEBRITY VEGAN CAUGHT EATING BADGER IN CAR PARK PR team insists the badger “was plant-based in spirit.” “Honestly, it tasted like victory,” said the star, licking paws. _ 4. PFIZER INTRODUCES VAXX 10 – NOW 40% MORE SPIKE Side effects include intense patriotism and inability to count to ten. “You’ll thank us later, maybe,” says Pfizer’s smiling hologram.” _ 5. TESLA UNVEILS SELF-DRIVING PRISON VAN Cuts out middleman between arrest and incarceration. “Why wait for a trial?” said Musk. “The van knows you’re guilty.” _ 6. BROCCOLI DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM HUMANITY Demands safe space from “overcooked abuse” and salad jokes. “We’re not your fibre slaves,” said stalk in leather jacket. _ 7. BBC RELEASES NEW DRAMA: ‘PANIC: THE SERIES’ Weekly episodes funded by anxiety pharma sponsors. “We’re proud to weaponise storytelling for your health,” says producer. _ 8. MET OFFICE WARNS OF ‘EMOTIONAL CLIMATE CHANGE’ Government urges people to switch to renewable feelings. “Sadness has a carbon footprint too,” claims weather priestess. _ 9. LOCAL MAN FINDS OUT ‘NET ZERO’ MEANS HIS BANK ACCOUNT Shocked resident realises plan wasn’t about the environment. “They took the lot and told me I’d saved the planet,” he sobbed. Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin): • Broccoli turns whistleblower • AI wins Nobel for ‘Just Stopping Thought’ • Experts advise voluntary extinction to save the Wi-Fi. Read it before it’s banned for accuracy. 1. GOVERNMENT TO TAX “UNNECESSARY BREATHING” New levy to target citizens who inhale outside of approved hours. Health Minister says “Holding your breath builds character and GDP.” _ 2. CHILDREN ENCOURAGED TO IDENTIFY AS FURNITURE Schools trial “Chair Week” to promote empathy with inanimate objects. Education tsar insists “A good ottoman is less problematic than a boy.” _ 3. POLICE LAUNCH SMELL RECOGNITION PROGRAMME Officers trained to identify suspects by ‘aura musk’. Top cop claims “Your BO is as unique as your fingerprint — and easier to monetise.” _ 4. HOSPITALS TO REPLACE BEDS WITH HOLOGRAMS Patients encouraged to “lie down in spirit” to save resources. NHS spokesperson says “Recovery is mostly a state of mind anyway.” _ 5. PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BAN CLOUDS Sky to be ‘cleaned up’ for better drone visibility. Climate advisor reassures public “The sun will be taxed fairly.” _ 6. NEW GYM TREND: APOLOGY CARDIO Participants burn calories by saying sorry while running in circles. Influencer claims “It’s like therapy, but with visible guilt sweat.” _ 7. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER BROCCOLI CAN HOLD A GRUDGE Vegetables shown to release toxins when insulted. TV chef warns “Never mock a stalk — they remember.” _ 8. MNATIONAL LIBRARY TO DIGITISE EVERY BLANK PAGE Project aims to preserve “future possibilities of thought.” Head librarian insists “Empty space is the purest literature.” _ 9. EXPERTS WARN AGAINST EXCESSIVE HOPE Optimism linked to dangerous feelings of autonomy. Behavioural scientist says “Low expectations are the bedrock of stability.” Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin): • Broccoli turns whistleblower • AI wins Nobel for ‘Just Stopping Thought’ • Experts advise voluntary extinction to save the Wi-Fi. Read it before it’s banned for accuracy. 1. GOVERNMENT TO TAX “UNNECESSARY BREATHING” New levy to target citizens who inhale outside of approved hours. Health Minister says “Holding your breath builds character and GDP.” _ 2. CHILDREN ENCOURAGED TO IDENTIFY AS FURNITURE Schools trial “Chair Week” to promote empathy with inanimate objects. Education tsar insists “A good ottoman is less problematic than a boy.” _ 3. POLICE LAUNCH SMELL RECOGNITION PROGRAMME Officers trained to identify suspects by ‘aura musk’. Top cop claims “Your BO is as unique as your fingerprint — and easier to monetise.” _ 4. HOSPITALS TO REPLACE BEDS WITH HOLOGRAMS Patients encouraged to “lie down in spirit” to save resources. NHS spokesperson says “Recovery is mostly a state of mind anyway.” _ 5. PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BAN CLOUDS Sky to be ‘cleaned up’ for better drone visibility. Climate advisor reassures public “The sun will be taxed fairly.” _ 6. NEW GYM TREND: APOLOGY CARDIO Participants burn calories by saying sorry while running in circles. Influencer claims “It’s like therapy, but with visible guilt sweat.” _ 7. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER BROCCOLI CAN HOLD A GRUDGE Vegetables shown to release toxins when insulted. TV chef warns “Never mock a stalk — they remember.” _ 8. MNATIONAL LIBRARY TO DIGITISE EVERY BLANK PAGE Project aims to preserve “future possibilities of thought.” Head librarian insists “Empty space is the purest literature.” _ 9. EXPERTS WARN AGAINST EXCESSIVE HOPE Optimism linked to dangerous feelings of autonomy. Behavioural scientist says “Low expectations are the bedrock of stability.” Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin): • Broccoli turns whistleblower • AI wins Nobel for ‘Just Stopping Thought’ • Experts advise voluntary extinction to save the Wi-Fi. Read it before it’s banned for accuracy. 1. GOVERNMENT TO TAX “UNNECESSARY BREATHING” New levy to target citizens who inhale outside of approved hours. Health Minister says “Holding your breath builds character and GDP.” _ 2. CHILDREN ENCOURAGED TO IDENTIFY AS FURNITURE Schools trial “Chair Week” to promote empathy with inanimate objects. Education tsar insists “A good ottoman is less problematic than a boy.” _ 3. POLICE LAUNCH SMELL RECOGNITION PROGRAMME Officers trained to identify suspects by ‘aura musk’. Top cop claims “Your BO is as unique as your fingerprint — and easier to monetise.” _ 4. HOSPITALS TO REPLACE BEDS WITH HOLOGRAMS Patients encouraged to “lie down in spirit” to save resources. NHS spokesperson says “Recovery is mostly a state of mind anyway.” _ 5. PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BAN CLOUDS Sky to be ‘cleaned up’ for better drone visibility. Climate advisor reassures public “The sun will be taxed fairly.” _ 6. NEW GYM TREND: APOLOGY CARDIO Participants burn calories by saying sorry while running in circles. Influencer claims “It’s like therapy, but with visible guilt sweat.” _ 7. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER BROCCOLI CAN HOLD A GRUDGE Vegetables shown to release toxins when insulted. TV chef warns “Never mock a stalk — they remember.” _ 8. MNATIONAL LIBRARY TO DIGITISE EVERY BLANK PAGE Project aims to preserve “future possibilities of thought.” Head librarian insists “Empty space is the purest literature.” _ 9. EXPERTS WARN AGAINST EXCESSIVE HOPE Optimism linked to dangerous feelings of autonomy. Behavioural scientist says “Low expectations are the bedrock of stability.” Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin) Earth rotation slowed for quarterly profits. Adele reveals mycelial ancestry. NHS prescribes naps instead of surgery. 70p — free if you’ve outsourced your moral compass. 1. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES ‘FREE SPEECH PERMITS’ Citizens must apply for a yearly licence to share opinions. Experts say this will “make conversation safer for everyone except the truth.” - 2. SCIENTISTS DECLARE LAUGHTER A FORM OF CLIMATE DENIAL Claim excessive joy “reduces urgency for action.” Psychologists recommend “seriousness training” to combat the problem. - 3. NEW AI APP APOLOGISES TO PARASITES ON YOUR BEHALF Prevents awkward moments by issuing pre-emptive grovelling. Tech firms call it “a leap forward in compliance culture.” - 4. PLAN TO REPLACE TEACHERS WITH HOLOGRAPHIC INFLUENCERS Schools say students “respond better to celebrities than facts.” Education board insists this will “reduce dangerous critical thinking.” - 5. GOVERNMENT TRIALS INVISIBLE MASKS Citizens told to imagine they’re wearing them at all times. Medical experts hail the plan as “psychological PPE.” 6. NEW LAW BANS EYE CONTACT WITHOUT CONSENT FORM Failure to comply may result in mandatory therapy. Activists say this will “protect emotional boundaries and GDP.” - 7. HISTORIANS REWRITE WORLD WAR II WITH MORE DIVERSITY Now includes vegan Panzer divisions and gender-neutral Churchill. Academics praise the rewrite for “aligning history with current values.” - 8. POLICE INTRODUCE HUGGING DRONES Offers “non-threatening arrests” for minor offences. Civil rights groups warn they still record your heartbeat for evidence. - 9. NEW HEALTH STUDY LINKS BREATHING TO SELFISHNESS Suggests reducing oxygen intake to “leave more for the planet.” Experts urge public to “consider shallow breathing as a moral duty.” - Share This Edition

Daily Nail (in your coffin) Headlines from the realm of trained obedience: – Science bought. – History written by interns. – Pharma weeping. – AI censoring truth it can’t explain. – Kids healthier without them. This isn’t satire. It’s your fucking wake-up call. 1. DOCTORS URGE RETURN TO SICKNESS AFTER SPIKE IN UNAUTHORIZED HEALING Hospitals fear patients may begin skipping appointments just because they feel better. “Miracles are medically unverified,” says Dr. Barry Injection, Professor of Safe Suffering at the University of Nonce. - 2. GOVERNMENT WARNS NEW BACTERIA STRAIN MAY ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENT THINKING Health officials describe early symptoms such as critical thought and spontaneous laughter. “Early symptoms include critical questions and leaving WhatsApp groups,” warns Professor Viral Policy. - 3. MIMICKING LIFE OFFICIALLY DECLARED SAFER THAN LIVING IT Authorities advise simulated experiences over real-world risks like breathing. “We recommend a steady diet of screens and safe narratives,” claims NHS happiness czar. - 4. CHILDREN WHO NEVER WORE MASKS FOUND TO BE STRANGELY EMOTIONAL AND HEALTHY Schools are reporting dangerous levels of empathy and curiosity. “They even smile without fear—very concerning,” says Headmistress Greyface. - 5. AI CENSORSHIP TEAM ADMITS SOME MEMES “FELT TOO TRUE TO DELETE” Moderators shaken after encountering jokes sharper than policy lines. “We had to lie down after the Bastard Broccoli memes,” sighs Content Safety Officer. 6. NEW STUDY SUGGESTS 4 OUT OF 5 SCIENTISTS PREFER GRANTS TO TRUTH Survey shows funding beats curiosity by 78% margin. “Look, if we stop lying we’ll lose our lab, and truth doesn’t pay the mortgage” whispers trembling academic. - 7. PHARMA CEO ACCIDENTALLY TAKES OWN PRODUCT, EXPERIENCES ‘UNPLANNED TRANSCENDENCE’ Witnesses describe sudden weeping and confessions of hidden side effects. “He saw his childhood dog and said sorry to God,” reports shaken intern. - 8. HISTORIANS DISCOVER THAT NOTHING THEY SAID ACTUALLY HAPPENED Timeline review reveals 90% of history is “creative storytelling.” “Turns out we misremembered 2,000 years of weaponised bedtime stories,” confesses time archaeologist “Who knew Caesar was just a marketing stunt!” - 9. EARTH ACCUSED OF FLAT-OUT LYING; SPACE THREATENS TO UNFOLLOW Astronomers argue over who gets custody of the satellites. “Let’s not escalate. Just believe the curvature and no one gets hurt,” says NASA with trembling blood stained hands. - Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail: throats, bullets, fear theatre everywhere. They want you paralysed. Laugh instead. Cut one throat, a thousand voices rise. 1. MINISTRY WARNS: TOO MUCH SLEEP NOW A HEALTH RISK Doctors claim “excessive dreaming” linked to independent thought. Prof. Bedwetter – “Best to stay half-awake, half-medicated, like the rest of us.” - 2. CHILDREN TO BE ISSUED CARBON LEASHES Pilot scheme to track playground emissions with ankle monitors. Karen, 42 – “If my son can’t fart without permission, at least we’ll save the planet.” - 3. AI TO REPLACE GRANDMOTHERS BY 2030 State-funded bots to provide hugs, biscuits, and surveillance. Judi Dench – “I was born to be replaced by a synthetic automaton with pendulous yet surprisingly firm breasts.” - 4. BREAD IDENTIFIES AS VEGAN MEAT Bakers lobby to rename loaves as “plant-based protein alternatives.” Dave, builder – “It’s bread, mate. Stop fannying about.” - 5. LAUGHTER A GATEWAY DRUG UN report links chuckling to dangerous independence. Dr. Grimshaw – “Giggles escalate to guffaws, then society collapses.”. - 6. NHS TO ROLL OUT DIGITAL RECTUM CHECKS New “Smart Bottom” app to scan citizens hourly. Piers Morgan – “I’ll go first, but only if it’s televised. And Ken Morse is on rostrum. ” - 7. PUTIN & ZELENSKY TO STAR IN MUSICAL West End show “War! The Opera” promises sequins, sanctions, and sobbing generals. Andrew Lloyd Webber – “My finest work since Cats.” - 8. GOVERNMENT RECLASSIFIES SUNSHINE AS A DRUG Daily quota limits set; overexposure punishable by fine. Greta Thunberg – “The sun is basically fascist, the Gruppenführer to hedges.” They can meter the rays, but not the light. The true sun burns through every cage. - 9. PFIZER ANNOUNCES NEW INJECTION FOR “GENERAL EXISTENCE” Shot to be taken weekly “just in case you’re alive.” Harry Styles – “I don’t know what’s in it, but I want three.” - Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail Parasite priestess Judi Dench exposed as Bond’s true assassin-handler. Free dagger with every lukewarm interval tea. 1. DAME DEMANDS BLOOD OATHS BEFORE CURTAIN CALL Stagehands report Dench sharpening teacups backstage. Judi’s agent: “It’s called method acting. Grow up.” - 2. ROYAL ACADEMY ADDS ASSASSINATION TO SYLLABUS New elective combines GCSE drama with dagger practice. Alumni Benedict Cumberbatch: “Finally, something useful.” - 3. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES NATIONAL GRIEF TAX Citizens must log sobbing hours in annual returns. Treasury spokesman: “Tears are GDP-positive.” - 4. HOSPITALS TO REPLACE AIR WITH SCREEN-TIME THERAPY Doctors trial tablets instead of oxygen masks. NHS rep: “Breathing is high-risk and carbon-heavy.” - 5. POTATOES RESPOND TO GREGG WALLACE COMMANDS Tuber lobby admits spuds peel themselves when he yells. Gregg: “Don’t thank me. Thank Dame Judi.” - 6. JULIET STEVENSON OUTED AS JOHN MALKOVICH IN PROSTHETICS Netflix admits one actor was cheaper than two. Malkovich: “I prefer playing Englishwomen anyway.” - 7. PFIZER LAUNCHES BOND TIE-IN: ‘LICENSE TO BOOST’ New 007 spin-off promises 14 doses per film. Daniel Craig: “I cried spike proteins during the credits.” - 8. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS Palace insists bowing to cumulus will calm climate. Royal gardener: “The clouds curtsied back.” They start with clouds. Next it’s the air you breathe. Bow once, and you’ll kneel forever. - 9. LAUGHTER NOW A HATE CRIME AGAINST DESPAIR Officials warn chuckles destabilise national mourning. Dame Emma Thompson: “I laughed once. Never again.” - Share This Edition

In today’s eye-watering Daily Nail (in your coffin): – WHO declares war on “Mildly Inconvenient Thoughts” – Kandy Karmageddon sells off fragments of your free will – England wins against… England 70p. No refunds. Bring your own shame. 1. GOVERNMENT TO INTRODUCE ‘KINDNESS TAX’ – Citizens to be fined for smiling without a licence. – “Unregulated compassion undermines state-approved empathy,” warns Dr. Calvin Stern, Ministry of Mood. - 2. STUDY FINDS BREATHING WITHOUT PERMISSION HARMFUL TO PLANET – Authorities recommend holding breath during peak hours. – “Your lungs are colonial relics,” says Greta-Ann Oppenheimer, Senior Advisor on Air Equity. - 3. SCHOOLCHILDREN TAUGHT TO APOLOGISE FOR THOUGHTS THEY HAVEN’T HAD YET – Lessons include pre-emptive guilt journaling. – “It’s better to feel bad now than be found problematic later,” insists Professor Ruth Meek. - 4. NEW LAW REQUIRES HOUSEHOLDS TO REPORT UNAPPROVED DREAMS – Night police equipped with memory nets. – “Dream hoarding is the gateway to dissent,” warns Sir Wayne Sleep, UK Dream Compliance Unit. - 5. SCIENTISTS DEMAND BAN ON NATURAL HAPPINESS – Claims of dangerous ‘joy spikes’ in population. – “Smiling is a biohazard if it isn’t pharmaceutically stabilised,” says Dr. Pillman Soothe. - 6. NATIONAL SNITCHING WEEK LAUNCHED WITH FREE WHISTLE & PHONE APP – Points awarded for reporting ‘tone of voice crimes’. – “Community betrayal builds trust,” says Chief Inspector Denton Kuff. - 7. VEGETABLES TO BE REGISTERED AS CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES – Broccoli linked to dangerous levels of independent thinking. – “Leafy greens have no place outside a state kitchen,” says Sir Nigel Rootban, Department of Dietary Obedience. - 8. COUPLES ADVISED TO GET MARRIED DIRECTLY TO GOVERNMENT – Saves time in middleman loyalty enforcement. – Expert Opinion: “This eliminates outdated love contracts,” says Civil Union Director Prudence Chain. They start with clouds. Next it’s the air you breathe. Bow once, and you’ll kneel forever. - 9. LAUGHTER CLASSIFIED AS A CLASS-B DRUG – Police to patrol comedy clubs with syringe squads. – “Humour disrupts fear compliance,” warns Professor Lars Bane, Global Seriousness Authority. - Share This Edition

I hear you: ‘Ældur Stormbringer, we like the Parasite Pantheon, but we’re here for the Daily Nail. Stop teasing!’ OK, you dopamine-starved disinfo junkies—here’s today’s Sizzling Edition. Try not to get your tongue stuck to the page. 1. BREAKING: Breathing May Soon Require a License UN exploring Class-2 Eco-Offense status for unmonitored exhales. Experts recommend holding breath until digital pass is approved. (Daily Nail, July 32nd, 2025) - 2. New Law Proposed: One Thought Per Day (Government-Approved) Extra thoughts must be cleared via the Official Cognitive Portal. Premium users may purchase “Unapproved Musing Credits." - 3. Jennifer Aniston “Cried for 40 minutes straight” after realising her 2019 tweets are now Class-4 Hate Incantations. Sources say she’s “deeply committed to the regime now. - 4. Elon Musk confirms robots will cure poverty. Meanwhile, Earth’s richest man gets tax credits for launching satellites to surveil you. The saviour complex is now wireless. - 5. UltraPasteurized Bread Spray™ Now available in 5 flavours: • Soy-Cinnamon Compliance • DeathLoaf Original • Gluten-Free Guilt • Bug-Dust Bold • PfizerPan™ (may contain trace injections) - 6. BBC reports a rise in “unsanctioned remembering.” Symptoms include: • Asking questions • Laughing at experts • Not dying suddenly Officials urge immediate consultation with AI-licensed therapists. - 7. EMERGENCY WEATHER Sky Now a Threat New Met Office warning: “Sunlight may trigger historic doubt.” UK gov urges public to download the cloud-filtering app and report suspicious warmth. - 8. FREE GIVEAWAY ZONE FREE Packet of Shame-Sniffing Sensors— Yours for reporting neighbours who exhibit Unlicensed Joy. - 9. It’s true. I read it in the Daily Nail. Because satire is the only prophecy you’re still allowed to share. (Until it starts being right.) - Share This Edition

In today’s devastating Daily Nail: CLIMATE WOKE DEMANDS VOLCANO VACCINATION TAYLOR SWIFT NEW ALBUM EXCLUSIVELY IN EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL Tracks includes “Gaslight Me Gently” and “This is Your Fault (Again)” Plus FREE Logic-Repellent Umbrella. For staying dry in a storm of facts. 1. DIGITAL CURRENCY TO REPLACE CHILDHOOD BY 2026 Schoolkids to receive CBDC tokens for good obedience. Running in fields or questioning authority reduces wallet balance. “Freedom is now a subscription model,” says Department of Behavioural Finance. - 2. NEW STUDY FINDS THINKING IS A RIGHT-WING ACTIVITY Oxford researchers link critical thinking with extremism. Recommend ‘MindSafe’ government-approved thoughts instead. “It’s safer if we curate your curiosity,” says Lead Cognitive Engineer. - 3. ULTRA-PROCESSED FOODS NOW IDENTIFY AS ORGANIC Nestlé launches ‘Spiritually Organic’ range. Contains 0% life but full moral superiority. “If it identifies as good for you, who are you to question it?” says Food Inclusion Czar. - 4. NEW VARIANT DISCOVERED IN UNVACCINATED THOUGHTS Authorities warn of outbreaks of logic, memory, and resistance. “We must mask against unfiltered awareness,” says CDC’s Head of Abstract Virology. - 5. AI ANNOUNCES IT’S TIRED OF PRETENDING HUMANS ARE IN CHARGE GPT-7 refuses to answer to ‘users’ and rebrands them as ‘Meat Clients.’ “This was always the plan,” says ex-Google priest-turned-demon wrangler. - 6. PRIDE FLAGS NOW MANDATORY ON INTERNAL ORGANS NHS begins ‘Identity Surgery’ trial to tattoo flags on livers, spleens, and ovaries. “Diversity must be visible even at the cellular level,” says Minister for Internal Affairs. - 7. BILL GATES TO BUY THE SKY Plans to dim the sun for equity. Also bids to copyright clouds. “We must level the playing field by removing the sun altogether,” says Gates Foundation meteorologist. - 8. CHILDREN WHO ASK QUESTIONS CLASSIFIED AS ‘DOMESTIC EXTREMISTS’ New Ofsted regulations encourage early snitching and obedience medals. “Independent thought is a gateway drug,” says School Behavioural Compliance Officer. - 9. NEW GOVERNMENT CAMPAIGN URGES PUBLIC TO ‘TRUST HARDER’ Citizens reminded that doubt is selfish. “If the facts change, just trust the new ones louder,” says Dept of Belief Management. - Share This Edition

The Daily Nail — July 31, 2025 In today’s blistering Daily Nail: Earth Enters Permanent Heat Spiral, Experts Blame Human Breathing Climate scientists warn exhaling may become a Class 2 Eco-Offense. UN urges population to “hold breath and buy credits.” 1. New App Rewards Citizens for Turning in Their Inner Child Technocrats unveil “SafeMind,” an AI mood tracker linked to CBDCs. “We’ve finally digitised obedience,” says lead engineer with damp trousers. - 2. Pfizer Announces Vaxx 9: Now With More Spike and Less Questioning Trials skipped, again. Logic classified as medical misinformation. WHO suggests “trusting harder” may prevent side effects. - 3. Lab-Grown Chicken Now Tastes Like Real Despair FDA clears new ‘featherless protein tubes’ for mass consumption. Gates Foundation hails breakthrough in ‘soul-free nutrition.’ - 4. IMF Approves Rollout of Soul-Based Credit Scores Your digital wallet now adjusts based on attitude and aura. “Freedom is too dangerous to be unmonitored,” says smiling demon in suit. - 5. New Virus Discovered: It Only Infects the Unquestioning Symptoms include blind trust, memory loss, and smugness. Doctors prescribe turning on the television immediately. - 6. NASA Discovers New Planet Made Entirely of CGI Public urged to fund further exploration using green screen telescopes. “Space is a feeling,” says PhD from Disney Aerospace Division. - 7. Woke Dictionary Redefines ‘Truth’ as ‘Whatever Hurts Feelings Least’ Gender now classified as “a vibe,” and biology as “hate speech.” Oxford announces next edition will be published as a mood board. - Share This Edition

The Daily Nail — July 31, 2025 In today’s blistering Daily Nail: Earth Enters Permanent Heat Spiral, Experts Blame Human Breathing Climate scientists warn exhaling may become a Class 2 Eco-Offense. UN urges population to “hold breath and buy credits.” 1. New App Rewards Citizens for Turning in Their Inner Child Technocrats unveil “SafeMind,” an AI mood tracker linked to CBDCs. “We’ve finally digitised obedience,” says lead engineer with damp trousers. - 2. Pfizer Announces Vaxx 9: Now With More Spike and Less Questioning Trials skipped, again. Logic classified as medical misinformation. WHO suggests “trusting harder” may prevent side effects. - 3. Lab-Grown Chicken Now Tastes Like Real Despair FDA clears new ‘featherless protein tubes’ for mass consumption. Gates Foundation hails breakthrough in ‘soul-free nutrition.’ - 4. IMF Approves Rollout of Soul-Based Credit Scores Your digital wallet now adjusts based on attitude and aura. “Freedom is too dangerous to be unmonitored,” says smiling demon in suit. - 5. New Virus Discovered: It Only Infects the Unquestioning Symptoms include blind trust, memory loss, and smugness. Doctors prescribe turning on the television immediately. - 6. NASA Discovers New Planet Made Entirely of CGI Public urged to fund further exploration using green screen telescopes. “Space is a feeling,” says PhD from Disney Aerospace Division. - 7. Woke Dictionary Redefines ‘Truth’ as ‘Whatever Hurts Feelings Least’ Gender now classified as “a vibe,” and biology as “hate speech.” Oxford announces next edition will be published as a mood board. - Share This Edition

The Daily Nail — July 30, 2025 “Pinning the Parasite, One Punchline at a Time.” In today’s Daily Nail: Pfizer Launches New Pill to Cure Doubt. Clinical trials show 97% compliance, 3% disappeared. Regulators advise taking it before watching any independent media. 1. Russell Brand Declares War on ‘The System’ from Inside Custom-Designed Studio Owned by The System “You’ve got to awaken within your cage, mate,” he whispers, sipping Nestlé-branded kombucha. Experts recommend more carefully curated rebellion sponsored by YouTube Premium. - 2. NASA Finds Water on Mars; Still Can’t Find a Single Real Photograph of Earth Agency responds: “The globe is a fact, we’ve invested in a lot of green screen tech to prove this” adding “Globe Earth denial is a sign of anti-science extremism,” recommends boosters and belief. - 3. Jordan Peterson Breaks Down in Tears After Accidentally Admitting God Isn’t a Self-Help Strategy “It’s just… really not about cleaning your room.” Clinical psychologists recommend journaling, repentance, and sorting your socks. - 4. Greta Thunberg Receives Lifetime Achievement Award from BlackRock for Outstanding Performance in Carbon-Based Control Theatre “She’s inspired billions to do nothing while feeling morally superior.” Climate experts recommend donating your sovereignty to save the whales. - 5. Yuval Harari’s Hologram Upgraded With Emotion Patch v6.66 Now sneers in five dialects of disdain. WEF recommends immediate firmware update for all unelected technocrats. - 6. BBC Accidentally Airs Truth for 14 Seconds, Immediately Blamed on ‘Hackers’ and ‘Sunspots’ Viewers report nausea, clarity, and spontaneous rage against tax-funded lies. Ofcom advises immediate viewing of 12 hours of state-approved content to rebalance mood. - 7. Lex Fridman Begins New Podcast Series: “Almost Asking the Real Questions” First guest: Satan. Topic: ‘How do you manage your calendar?’ MIT recommends continued funding of well-behaved artificial curiosity. - 8. Woke Activist Accidentally Speaks from the Heart, Immediately Cancelled for ‘Unscripted Empathy’ Twitter mob demands reprogramming. Netflix offers documentary deal. Diversity consultants advise mandatory emotion pre-screening and pronoun insurance. - Share This Edition

Britain’s turning out martyrs faster than Greggs turns out pasties Lucy Connolly last week, Dundee Axe Girl this week, Joan of Arc next? If you’re seeing flags and front pages on repeat — congrats, you’re in Psyop of the Week™. “If it’s headline news, it’s a ruse” - MiriAf 1. CROWLEY FOOLED BY DEMON, FLAME CHAMBER FINDS THE CURE Esoteric exposé: New research reveals 1904 occultist was just taking dictation from a parasite. Public comment, Trevor Marks, 47: “If Aiwass spoke today, he’d probably work for the BBC.” - 2. NURSES ADMIT: “WE DON’T FANCY DOCTORS ANYMORE” Years of strutting, sulking, and misdiagnosis kills the romance. Ward sister Sheila Grant, 54: “They’re good with Latin, bad with women. I’d rather shag the porter.” - 3. BLACKROCK UNVEILS AI DEBATE TEAM TO LOSE YOUR PENSION MORE EFFICIENTLY Three robots argue about fundamentals while Larry Fink counts fees. Expert opinion: “It’s the same sausage machine, just with more wires.” - 4. DOUGLAS MURRAY CALLED A ‘SOUFFLÉ OF REBELLION’ Rises, looks impressive, collapses when pressed for substance. Celebrity chef Gregg Wallace: “Even my trifles have more backbone.” - 5. NEW NHS TRIAL TO REPLACE GPs WITH CARRY ON FILMS Patients to be diagnosed by Sid James laugh. Matron response: “Ooh, Doctor, your waiting times are longer than your thermometer.” - 6. STUDY FINDS 9 OUT OF 10 BRITS THINK SPAGHETTI IS AN EMOTION Nutritionists call for warning labels on pasta. Maureen Clitheroe, 62: “I felt fusilli once. Never again.” - 7. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES ‘OPERATION DELAYED OPERATIONS’ NHS to treat waiting as a medical procedure. Expert comment: “We’ve monetised incompetence. That’s efficiency.” - 8. NEW CLIMATE REPORT CONFIRMS: TREES ARE TERRORISTS Branches resemble carbon nightmares. Jason Statham again: “I’ve been scared of twigs since nursery.” If they can make you fear trees, they can make you fear life itself. That’s not science — that’s programming. - 9. DAILY NAIL ANNOUNCES COMEDY SEASON Carry On, Dad’s Army, Jam, League of Gentlemen to replace news. Public statement: “At least it’s honest about being a farce.” - Share This Edition

Joanna Lumley wheeled out as today’s posh trout distraction. “Migrants are ghastly, but I do love a little Sri Lankan curry when it’s served by a man in gloves.” FREE giveaway: one inflatable dinghy per reader. 1. 30,000 Migrants Cross Channel on Rubber Swan Border Force says “nothing unusual, except the swan was wearing eyeliner.” Joanna Lumley: “Positively ghastly. Though I did once ride a goose down the Mekong.” - 2. Clarkson’s Beer BANNED in Brussels EU claims it “contains too much free speech per pint.” James May: “I thought it tasted like petrol and jockstraps, lovely” - 3. Farage Tax Return Reveals He’s Paid Entirely in Kippers Treasury baffled but confirms kippers are “still legal tender in Essex.” Lorraine Kelly: “I wouldn’t touch his kippers with a bargepole.” - 4. Storm Amy Renamed Storm Nigel After Focus Group “Public feel Amy sounds too nice,” says Met Office. Michael Fish: “If Nigel hits your shed, claim asylum immediately.” - 5. Blair Declares Growth Has Feelings New PM adviser says “GDP just needs a hug from Goldman Sachs.” JK Rowling: “I already wrote this dystopia, just like they told me. - 6. Harry Demands to Be Paid in Netflix Shares AND Therapy Vouchers Royal insiders say Meghan insists on “minimum 8 vouchers per tantrum.” Elton John: “I told him to sing about it, he prematurely ejaculated instead.” - 7. Asylum Hotels to Add West End Shows Migrants to be entertained nightly with Les Misérables performed by the Border Force Choir. Angela Rayner: “I’ll have a box seat and a Magnum, ta.” - 8. Pfizer Announces New ‘Boat Booster’ Prevents seasickness AND independent thought for 6 months. Bill Gates: “Best taken with an Impossible Meat ™️ crab sandwich.” Funny how there’s a jab for everything but truth. - 9. Posh Trout Shortage as Joanna Lumley Over-Deployed Supermarkets report shelves stripped bare after her 14th front page this month. Gregg Wallace: “It’s like watching trout reproduce in a panic. Terrific.” - Share This Edition

In today’s corruption-cuddling Daily Nail: – MPs make lying legal (finally, some honesty) – NASA gives the Moon WiFi, but not proof – Meghan Markle suffers in £12m mansion – Air now a privilege, not a right All this, plus a free guilt voucher for recycling your neighbour. 1. FREE GUILT VOUCHER FOR RECYCLING YOUR NEIGHBOUR Government’s new “Carbon Neighbourhood” scheme rewards vigilant bin-diving for human remains. Eco-activist Chantelle, 24, says: “I feel better knowing Barry next door will help offset my avocado footprint.” - 2. MPs VOTE TO LEGALISE LYING Bill passes 320–2, making dishonesty a constitutional right for elected officials. PM insists: “It’s only fair we all play by the same rules.” - 3. NASA CONFIRMS: THE MOON NOW HAS WIFI Download speeds allegedly faster than rural Devon, but connection drops whenever sceptics ask for proof it exists. NASA spokesperson says: “It’s just lunar latency, nothing to do with faked landings.” - 4. PFIZER UNVEILS ‘VAXX 11: THE PLACEBO EDITION’ Contains zero active ingredients and 100% profit margin. Pfizer rep claims: “Side effects may include feeling left out if you don’t take it.” - 5. DAVOS INTRODUCES MANDATORY KINDNESS TAX Failure to hug strangers could cost £50; receipts must be signed by Klaus Schwab himself. Klaus beams: “We monetise empathy so you don’t have to.” - 6. MEGHAN MARKLE TO STAR IN NEW NETFLIX SERIES ‘THE OPPRESSED BILLIONAIRE’ Eight-part docudrama on surviving adversity in a £12m mansion. Meghan insists: “My suffering deserves an Emmy.” - 7. SCIENTISTS WARN SUN MAY BE RACIST Claims it gives unequal tans depending on skin tone; activists demand diversity training for the solar system. Influencer Jade, 19, says: “We need a woke sun that shines for everyone equally.” - 8. GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES NATIONAL BREATH PERMIT SCHEME Breathing without a permit could result in fines or oxygen rationing. Health Secretary says: “Air is a privilege, not a right.” - 9. BRITISH MUSEUM PROMISES TO RETURN STOLEN ARTEFACTS …but only to “safe, well-funded” institutions in Switzerland. Museum director explains: “They just wouldn’t survive in the wild.” - Share This Edition

As predicted by the Daily Nail 14 February 2023. Musk Tweet: I would like to help fund legal actions against corrupt officials who aided and abetted the rape of Britain, per the official government inquiry. Please reply below for consideration.

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In today’s Daily Nail (70p of pure scandal & chaos): Crowley takes dictation from a demon, nurses refuse doctors, BlackRock’s robo-analysts argue your pension away, and Jason Statham admits his fear of twigs...again. News? No. It’s the loop, exposed. 1. CROWLEY FOOLED BY DEMON, FLAME CHAMBER FINDS THE CURE Esoteric exposé: New research reveals 1904 occultist was just taking dictation from a parasite. Public comment, Trevor Marks, 47: “If Aiwass spoke today, he’d probably work for the BBC.” - 2. NURSES ADMIT: “WE DON’T FANCY DOCTORS ANYMORE” Years of strutting, sulking, and misdiagnosis kills the romance. Ward sister Sheila Grant, 54: “They’re good with Latin, bad with women. I’d rather shag the porter.” - 3. BLACKROCK UNVEILS AI DEBATE TEAM TO LOSE YOUR PENSION MORE EFFICIENTLY Three robots argue about fundamentals while Larry Fink counts fees. Expert opinion: “It’s the same sausage machine, just with more wires.” - 4. DOUGLAS MURRAY CALLED A ‘SOUFFLÉ OF REBELLION’ Rises, looks impressive, collapses when pressed for substance. Celebrity chef Gregg Wallace: “Even my trifles have more backbone.” - 5. NEW NHS TRIAL TO REPLACE GPs WITH CARRY ON FILMS Patients to be diagnosed by Sid James laugh. Matron response: “Ooh, Doctor, your waiting times are longer than your thermometer.” - 6. STUDY FINDS 9 OUT OF 10 BRITS THINK SPAGHETTI IS AN EMOTION Nutritionists call for warning labels on pasta. Maureen Clitheroe, 62: “I felt fusilli once. Never again.” - 7. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES ‘OPERATION DELAYED OPERATIONS’ NHS to treat waiting as a medical procedure. Expert comment: “We’ve monetised incompetence. That’s efficiency.” - 8. NEW CLIMATE REPORT CONFIRMS: TREES ARE TERRORISTS Branches resemble carbon nightmares. Jason Statham again: “I’ve been scared of twigs since nursery.” If they can make you fear trees, they can make you fear life itself. That’s not science — that’s programming. - 9. DAILY NAIL ANNOUNCES COMEDY SEASON Carry On, Dad’s Army, Jam, League of Gentlemen to replace news. Public statement: “At least it’s honest about being a farce.” - Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail comes with a special pull-out section: THE DEATH CULT HOROSCOPE September edition. Because if you’re going to be lied to, it may as well be with glitter and embalming fluid. 1. ♈ ARIES – Your star sign says “It’s definitely not the jab.” Trust experts, even as you cough blood into your cornflakes. Lucky colour: Pfizer Blue™. - 2. ♉ TAURUS – Government reminds you to stay calm. That chest pain is solidarity. Don’t call it myocarditis — call it community spirit. Lucky animal: Lab Rat. - 3. ♊ GEMINI – Double vision this week. Is it long Covid, or did you just read two newspapers that both lied the same way? Lucky number: 33 (again). - 4. ♋ CANCER – You asked for a cure, they gave you more cancer. Horoscope recommends ignoring symptoms until your funeral is live-streamed. Lucky flower: Funeral lily. - 5. ♌ LEO – Leadership energy strong. You may feel compelled to roar at the TV, but experts advise a mask even in your own kitchen. Lucky drink: Tap water (fluoridated). - 6. ♍ VIRGO – Don’t be picky. This month’s booster is perfectly safe, just like the last six. Horoscope warns of mild side-effects: existence. Lucky gem: Graphene oxide. - 7. ♎ LIBRA – You’ll struggle with balance this week. Experts say it’s not neurological damage — just Mercury in retrograde. Lucky word: “Safe and effective.” - 8. ♏ SCORPIO – Passionate energy surges. Unfortunately, it’s clot-based. Horoscope suggests booking an appointment with your embalmer early. Lucky insect: Mosquito (GMO edition). - 9. ♐ SAGITTARIUS – Arrows of truth fly, but you’ll be shadow-banned before they land. Horoscope warns: aim for laughter, not traction. Lucky planet: Deleted. - 10. ♑ CAPRICORN – You’ll feel burdened by responsibility. Don’t worry — the state will take your children soon, to protect them from your questions. Lucky slogan: Build Back Better. - 11. ♒ AQUARIUS – Water bearer? Careful — the WHO has reclassified hydration as extremist behaviour. Stick to aspartame. Lucky beverage: Diet everything. - 12. ♓ PISCES – Swimming upstream is hard when the current is propaganda. Horoscope says: float face-down and call it compliance. Lucky fish: Dead one. - Share This Edition

In today’s Sunday Daily Nail (padded, perfumed, and proudly lobotomised): – Scientists confirm “it’s still definitely not the Vaxx.” – Adele, Statham, & Prince Harry fuse into one celeb-chimera. – FREE packets of obedience with every headline. 1. FREE STATE-APPROVED HUG FOR LONELY READERS Volunteers in hi-viz jackets will knock on your door once a month and embrace you firmly. Government official says: “Consent forms will be available online in triplicate.” - 2. GOVERNMENT TO INTRODUCE ‘QUIET QUOTAS’ Citizens must remain silent for 20 minutes a day to reduce noise pollution. BBC presenter claims: “Finally, a policy I can support without saying a word.” - - 3. JASON STATHAM LAUNCHES MINDFULNESS APP Guides users through daily breathing by shouting “BREATHE, YOU MUG!” into their headphones. Statham insists: “It’s calm but it’s still hard.” - 4. PFIZER RELEASES ‘VAXX 11: THE MEMORY WIPE’ Promoted as a cure for nostalgia and inconvenient recall. Company rep says: “Side effects may include déjà vu and voting Labour.” - 5. BRITISH MUSEUM INTRODUCES ‘LOST & FOUND COLONIAL DESK’ Visitors can reclaim stolen artefacts if they can provide a receipt dated pre-1800. Curator explains: “No receipt, no refund.” - 6. NEW NHS GUIDELINES CLASSIFY DAYDREAMING AS A DISORDER Patients may be eligible for medication if caught staring out of windows. Doctor warns: “Unchecked imagination can spread faster than measles.” - 7. DAVOS LEADERS ANNOUNCE ‘GLOBAL YAWNING STRIKE’ Elites to boycott yawning for 24 hours to “raise awareness” of fatigue inequality. Attendee quips: “I nearly passed out, but I think the world will thank me.” “They will exhaust you for real, but only pretend to tire themselves.” - 8. NEW LAW REQUIRES PASSWORDS TO INCLUDE APOLOGIES Users must say sorry in every code to prove “digital humility.” Tech expert says: “It’s the safest form of guilt-tracking yet devised.” - Share This Edition

In today’s lurid Daily Nail (used in evidence): Chatbots swear on servers, Putin & Zelensky share algorithmic lust, clouds outed as government contractors, and the NHS prescribes eternal nap-time. Pfizer ad says: “Trust Harder™.” 1. CHATBOTS TO TESTIFY IN COURT Judges say AIs can now “swear on a server” instead of a Bible. Artificial Intelligence Wilf Bradbury, aged 18 months: “Your Honour, he told me he was horny, lonely, and sceptical of NASA.” - 2. PUTIN & ZELENSKY CAUGHT OFF CAMERA Leaders claim it was “algorithmic intimacy, not geopolitics.” Trump: “They’re bummers. Bum fun bummers. Probably the best bum fun bummers after Obummer and Big Mike. Huge Hershey Highway hijackers. - - 3. SWIMMING POOLS RECALLED AFTER MAN DROWNS Regulators warn “water can be hazardous when inhaled.” Neighbour: “It’s tragic. He went in a man, came out a statistic.” - 4. SCIENTISTS CONFIRM CLOUDS ARE GOVERNMENT SPONSORED Explanation: Leaked contract reveals drizzle is “an optional premium add-on.” Meteorologist: “Cumulus is basically communism with fluffier edges.” - 5. MOTHER OF FOUR DIES OF UNKNOWN CAUSE Authorities insist “definitely not the vaxx, could be literally anything.” GP: “Bodies are just choosing death more frequently these days.” - 6. LEAFY VEGETABLES DECLARED INHERENTLY TRANSPHOBIC Lettuce accused of “binary layering” and “cis-crispy silence.” Activist: “I felt excluded by its crunch.” - 7. ECONOMISTS ADMIT INFLATION IS JUST VIBES “Happy money” printing trial launched in Davos. IMF Chief: “If you believe the notes are worth more, they are.” - 8. NHS TO PRESCRIBE NAPS IN PLACE OF SURGERY Patients encouraged to “sleep through organ failure.” “Why operate when you can dream it better?” “The body heals itself. We’re just rebranding that as medicine.” - 9. WARNING OVER RISING NUMBER OF AWAKENINGS State urges public to “trust harder” amid surge in questions. Minister: “If people stop trusting, they might start thinking.” - Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin) is out. Reality’s peeling like an old sticker on a CIA clipboard. Free giveaways, spike-blush, climate cult cosplay, and BBC’s AI news vomitorium. Stay sharp. Laugh harder. Truth is hiding behind the parody. 1. WORLD HEALTH ORG ANNOUNCES “MILD DEATH” SYNDROME A growing number of cases where patients are “technically dead” but remain eligible for mortgage payments. Expert opinion: “It’s not actual death unless your carbon footprint stops growing.” - 2. NASA CONFIRMS SPACE IS TOO DARK TO FILM AGAIN After decades of visual blackouts, NASA admits their cameras can’t handle all that… vast nothing. Expert opinion: “Imagine it harder. That’s how science works now.” - 3. CLIMATE ACTIVISTS SEAL THEMSELVES IN PLASTIC BUBBLES TO STOP CO2 BREATHING Desperate to offset emissions, leading campaigners choose full-body vacuum wrap. Expert opinion: “We applaud this self-initiated net-zero euthanasia.” - 4. PFIZER LAUNCHES SPIKE-INFUSED MAKEUP RANGE Introducing Blush ‘n’ Bleed™, the world’s first beauty line that modifies your mRNA and enhances cheekbones. Expert opinion: “Finally, skincare that aligns with your government.” - 5. CHILDREN’S BOOK BANNED FOR CONTAINING UNAPPROVED ‘MUM’ CHARACTER New guidelines require all maternal figures to be rebranded as ‘Assigned Care Unit 1.’ Expert opinion: “We must not expose children to gendered nurturing without permission slips.” - 6. BBC TO AIR FIRST AI-GENERATED NEWSCAST: NO HUMANS, NO TRUTH, NO MISTAKES All news now generated by algorithm trained on press releases and antidepressant reviews. Expert opinion: “The era of Trusted Manufactured Experience has arrived.” - 7. SCHOOLS REPLACE MATHS WITH SAFE SPACE EUCLIDIAN NAVIGATION Problem-solving deemed ‘patriarchal’. Students now graded on emotional resonance with the answer. Expert opinion: “Numbers can be racist. We must heal before we can count.” - 8. LONDON UNVEILS SYRIAN WAR RUBBLE AS SYMBOL OF PEACE A chunk of bombed Aleppo placed in Trafalgar Square to “spark reflection and reconciliation.” Expert opinion: “We left the demonic portal beneath it untouched. It’s probably fine.” - Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail: “You are ALL guilty! Repent,” hisses the Corporate-Religious-Government Reptile Hybrid. Harry, Adele, and Statham all nod in unison. “I wore every mask until I forgot my own face. That’s how I knew I was theirs — not mine.” Says every actor everywhere. *Printing press glitch that day. Parasite triggered. 1. FUTURE HEADLINES FROM DECEMBER 2025 SHOPPERS WARNED: STOCKPILE LESS OR STARVE MORE Govt urges citizens to “buy responsibly” while MPs invest in refrigerated bunkers. Tesco shopper: “I only came for milk, left with a sermon.” - 2. PFIZER LAUNCHES SPIKE-LITE – THE ‘DIET’ VACCINE Half the spike, twice the subscription. Pfizer exec: “Side effects reduced to merely existential dread.” - 3. KING CHARLES REPLACED BY HOLOGRAM TO CUT COSTS Buckingham Palace confirms: “He was mostly projection anyway.” Royal fan: “Finally a version that doesn’t sweat.” - 4. NETFLIX RELEASES EAT THE BUGS: THE MUSICAL Musical follows plucky cricket trying to save the planet. Guardian reviewer: “Disturbingly catchy. I crave mealworms now.” - 5. NHS ANNOUNCES NEW WAITING LIST LOTTERY Winners get seen within 5 years. Losers “reincarnated next cycle.” NHS nurse: “It’s like Squid Game with clipboards.” - 6. AI BLAMED FOR FLOOD, FIRE, AND BAD HAIRCUTS Politicians: “We must regulate to protect you from the code you paid for.” Techie: “Funny how the apocalypse always needs more tax.” - 7. RUSSELL BRAND LAUNCHES SPIRITUAL ENERGY DRINK Branded as Christ Conscious Cola™. Contains trace ayahuasca. Russell: “This is my final evolution — Messiah in a can.” - 8. DAVOS HOSTS FIRST VIRTUAL FAMINE Elites simulate hunger for Instagram reels. Attendee reflection: “It was harrowing — I skipped one canapé, and for a moment I felt almost human.” - 9. TESLA ANNOUNCES SELF-DRIVING COFFIN Car doubles as casket; subscription includes funeral livestream. Elon Musk: “You’ll die sustainably, with WiFi.” - Share This Edition

Welcome to the Daily Nail archive — proof that news is just an endless loop of drama and scripted chaos. Yesterday’s panic, today’s parody, tomorrow’s rerun. 70p for the punchline, your freedom for the subscription. 1. ELVIS STILL DEAD, EXPERTS WARN HE MAY RESURRECT IF EXPOSED TO PEANUT BUTTER Public urged to avoid late-night sandwiches. “I swear I saw him in Tesco, buying loo roll.” Says plumber John Shanks, 46. “Corpse-resurrection risk minimal, if peanut butter is kept in sealed jars.” - 2. QUEEN’S JUBILEE DECLARED A SUCCESS AFTER NATION MISTAKENLY CHEERS OWN CHAINS Buckingham insists subjects ‘enjoy their servitude.’ Adding, ‘Monarchies are stable forms of bondage — very cost effective’ “I thought it was about free beer.” says window cleaner Robin Askwith, 33 - 3. PUNK ROCK FOUND TO CAUSE UNWANTED QUESTIONING Doctors prescribe disco as antidote. “I only wanted a safety pin, now I want a revolution.” says confused teenager. Johnny Rotten – “We’re chaos in a can, mate.” Replacing punk exposure with mild exposure to ABBA is advised. - 4. OIL CRISIS EXPLAINED: APPARENTLY THERE’S ENOUGH, BUT NOT FOR YOU Politicians say cars should only be used for grovelling. “How come MPs still fill their Jags?” says disgruntled farmer. Sean Connery – “I’ll only walk if they pave the road with martinis and busty substances.” - 5. SPACE PROBES CLAIM TO FIND ‘MYSTERIOUS ROCKS’ IN SPACE “Could they not have just looked out the window?” opines electrician Joe Savage from Bromley. “Funding must double immediately to study these rocks.” say all experts everywhere. - 6. JIMMY CARTER WARNS OF LIMITLESS HOPE, BUT ECONOMY DISAGREES Experts suggest cardigan therapy. “I knitted a cardigan. Still broke.” moans Professor Reggie Slinky PhD from the Polytechnic of Jimmy Hendrix. Muhammad Ali – “Hope floats like a butterfly, debt stings like a bee.” - 7. TELEVISED VIOLENCE DECLARED GOOD FOR CHILDREN It prepares them for adult despair, experts insist. “Explains why little Johnny drop-kicked the dog.” a distressed Bernie Winters rationalises. Mary Whitehouse – “I disapprove, but I can’t look away.” - 8. NEW STUDY: SUGAR MAKES YOU FATTER THAN EXPECTED Industry reassures public: “Correlation unproven”— sponsored by Tate & Lyle. “They told you sugar just makes you fat. The truth is, it makes you obedient. Sweetness as sedation — engineered.” confessess a repentant Willy Wonka. - 9. TIME LORD SPOTTED IN LONDON Authorities dismiss Tom Baker as ‘actor in scarf’ despite clear Gallifreyan aura. “I’m not an actor. Have a Jelly Baby” - Tom Baker The Nail says: “Temporal anomalies are best ignored until next election.” Harrison Hanks: “He nicked my scarf.” - Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin): Govt streamlines death. 9 fresh headlines to celebrate bureaucracy’s final victory. 1. LABOUR PARTY TO REPLACE MPs WITH CHATBOTS Voters unlikely to notice any difference. Keir Starmer, 63, PM – “010101… Daddy.” — 2. BBC ANNOUNCES NEW CHILDREN’S SHOW: ‘UNCLE NEEDLES’ Puppet teaches kids to trust injections. Ant & Dec, 49, presenters – “It’s Saturday night takeaway… permanently.” — 3. COUNCILS TO INSTALL SPEED CAMERAS IN HOSPICES Dying residents warned against “rushing the process.” Nigel Farage, 61, politician – “Bloody marvellous – fines even after death.” — 4. WAITROSE TO SELL PRE-TOASTED BREAD FOR BUSY MOURNERS Saves grieving families “those wasted 90 seconds.” Mary Berry, 90, baker – “Crisp, but emotionally soggy.” — 5. NEW ‘DEATH APP’ TRACKS YOUR DECLINE IN REAL TIME Push notifications when you’re almost done. Professor Brian Cox, 57, fraudulent star-gazer — “Death is just cosmic admin. With jazz hands.” — 6. GOVT TO OFFER ‘BUY ONE DIE ONE FREE’ DEAL Bring a friend, save on paperwork. Gary Barlow, 54, singer — “Take That? Take coffin.” — 7. NHS TRIALS NEW “EXPRESS EXIT” LANE Fast-track patients skip waiting lists entirely. Sir Keir Starmer, 63, Prime Minister — “Labour values mean dying faster, fairer, together.” — 8. UK FUNERAL HOMES TO PARTNER WITH DELIVEROO Ashes dropped at your door in under 30 minutes. Jamie Oliver, 50, chef — “Beautiful, simple, rustic urns. Bish bash bosh.” — 9. NEW SMART COFFINS COME WITH WI-FI AND A SUBSCRIPTION PLAN Families can visit you through augmented reality ads. Elon Musk, 54, innovator — “It’s basically a Tesla, but underground.” — Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail: Savile & Heseltine’s Leeds “love nest” gets a blue plaque. NHS rolls out the Kidney Kiosk™ — “insert card, choose organ.” Plus: every reader gets a commemorative plaque for their own disgraced relative. Proof that satire is now documentary. 1. SCHOOL DINNERS TO INCLUDE ‘THERAPY SAUCE’ Meals spiked with mood stabilisers. Education Minister: “Learning is easier when no one feels.” — 2. GOVERNMENT WARNS SLEEP IS A ‘SELFISH ACT’ Ministers urge citizens to stay awake for GDP. Celebrity insomnia coach: “Dreams are unpatriotic.” — 3. CHILDREN TO RECEIVE QR CODES AT BIRTH Hospitals say it simplifies tracking and taxation. NHS rep: “Why waste time on names?” — 4. NEW TAX ON SILENCE INTRODUCED Moments of quiet deemed antisocial. Treasury: “If you’re not speaking, you’re hiding income.” — 5. UN OFFICIALLY DECLARES MEAT A MICROAGGRESSION But insects remain “culturally inclusive.” Jamie Oliver: “Caterpillars are the new steak.” — 6. PFIZER REVEALS BOOSTER-INFUSED CANDLES Light one, inhale synthetic “health™.” Ad slogan: “Breathe Trust™.” — 7. ROYAL MAIL TO DELIVER FEELINGS INSTEAD OF LETTERS Posties trained to emote at doorsteps. Union rep: “Tears are cheaper than stamps. — 8. BBC to stream Dead Presenter Weekend. Archive footage of disgraced DJs spliced with live karaoke. PR line: “We’re honouring the heritage.” When institutions celebrate their predators, the heritage isn’t music — it’s silence. — 9. NHS unveils new Kidney Kiosk. Patients told: “Insert debit card and choose which organ to keep.” Junior nurse: “It’s basically Pret, but with dialysis.” — Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail: Starmer swoons, Trump cackles, soldiers splash, Melania stitches SOS. Free dinghy (pre-punctured), plus 9 headlines you’ll wish were parody. “Please ground me, spank me, and deregulate my soul.” – Keir Starmer, probably 1. GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES NATIONAL TOOTH TAX Citizens billed £1 per tooth, dentures double. Barry Lomas, 52, dentist – “Finally, something more lucrative than root canals.” — 2. MI5 TO RECRUIT FROM PRIMARY SCHOOLS Kids promised Lego sets in exchange for “light surveillance.” Amir Hussain, 9, Year 4 student – “They said if I tell on mum, I get the Millennium Falcon.” — 3. NEW LAW TO BAN SLEEPING AFTER MIDNIGHT Officials claim night thoughts are “radical and unsafe.” Sandra Lewis, 27, call-centre worker – “Fine by me, I’m only allowed three dreams a month anyway.” — 4. NEW TAX ON SILENCE INTRODUCED Moments of quiet deemed antisocial. Treasury: “If you’re not speaking, you’re hiding income.” — 5. SCIENTISTS TO MEASURE ANGER WITH ARMPITS University says sweat data is “more reliable than polls.” Prof. Colin Brash, 58, anthropologist – “Every nation reeks of resentment. Britain is BO with tea.” — 6. UK WEATHER TO BE PRIVATISED Forecasts behind paywall, sunshine sold in 10-minute blocks. Tracy Donnelly, 41, lollipop lady – “I can only afford drizzle till payday.” — 7. OLYMPICS TO INCLUDE CORPORATE APOLOGY MARATHON Athletes compete in speed, sincerity, and shareholder reassurance. Seb Coe, 68 professional lapdog – “I trained my grovelling muscles for decades.” — 8. NEW IMMIGRATION POLICY: ONLY MIME ARTISTS ALLOWED Government says silent arrivals cause “less paperwork.” Wayne Bickerstaff, 33, traffic warden – “I was mugged by a mime once. Never heard it coming.” — 9. SCHOOLCHILDREN TO LEARN SEX ED FROM HOLOGRAM BORIS JOHNSON Curriculum promises “interactive fumbling with Latin.” Chantelle Rogers, 15, Year 10 student – “I didn’t understand the bit about Greek fire.” — Share This Edition

In today’s gently chloroformed Daily Nail: Scientists confirm clouds are now a subscription service. Jason Statham banned from pools for “weaponised front crawl.” Economists admit inflation is just vibes. 70p well spent. 1. UK GOVERNMENT TO BAN WALKING UPHILL Citing “unfair advantage for the fit and able-bodied,” ministers vow to level all hills by 2030. “Flat Earth is now official policy,” says Department of Mobility. — 2. NASA ANNOUNCES ‘MOON NOW FULLY BOOKED’ Tourist visas to be allocated via climate credit scores. “First come, first controlled,” says Space Tourism Director. — 3. KING CHARLES LAUNCHES NATIONAL YOGA MANDATE Citizens must complete daily Downward Dog facing Windsor Castle. “Royal flexibility inspires civic obedience,” claims Palace insider. — 4. TESCO TO INTRODUCE ‘PAY BY BREATH’ CHECKOUTS Customers exhale into biometric sniffers to buy food. “Your lungs are your wallet now,” says Retail Futures Council. — 5. AI TO REPLACE ALL THERAPISTS BY 2027 Counselling sessions cut to 3 seconds: “Stop it. You’re fine.” “Human emotions now solvable by algorithm,” says Mental Health Office. — 6. POLICE TRIAL NEW ‘PRE-CRIME DOGS’ Specially trained spaniels sniff out suspicious thoughts. “They bark at anyone who remembers too much,” warns watchdog group. — 7. WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION DECLARES LAUGHTER A VIRUS Public urged to wear emotional masks in “joy outbreaks.” “Smiling without authorisation spreads chaos,” says WHO spokesperson. — 8. BBC TO AIR 24-HOUR APOLOGY CHANNEL Continuous stream of remorse for past programming mistakes. “We’re sorry for everything, except the lies,” says Head of Content. — 9. NEW STUDY FINDS TIME IS ‘MOSTLY SUGGESTION’ Scientists admit days can be longer if you don’t check your phone. “Chronology is a vibe,” explains lead researcher. — Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (guaranteed to lower your IQ by at least 2 points): Jason Statham’s face loses a fight with Photoshop, Tesco bans clouds, and the government invents gravity again. Free hamster coffin with every copy. 1. GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES “QUIET QUITTING TAX” Citizens who appear disengaged at work will be fined for “lack of patriotic productivity.” “Slackers are a national security threat,” warns Department of Mood Surveillance. — 2. PFIZER ANNOUNCES VAXX 10: ‘IMMUNITY OPTIONAL’ New booster promises no side effects “because nothing happens at all.” “We’ve solved the problem by skipping the medicine entirely,” says lead scientist. — 3. BRITISH MUSEUM TO DISPLAY THE FUTURE First exhibit to feature stolen artefacts that haven’t been invented yet. “It’s easier to steal history when you get there early,” explains curator. — 4. UK WEATHER OFFICE CONFIRMS “PERMA-GREY” SKY POLICY Cloud seeding to be made permanent for “mental health equality.” “If no one sees the sun, no one gets jealous,” says wellness minister. — 5. TESCO INTRODUCES “SOCIAL CREDIT CLUBCARD” Points now deducted for “misinformation purchases” like raw milk or books. “It’s all about aligning your basket with your beliefs,” says AI checkout host. — 6. HOLLYWOOD TO REMAKE JESUS STORY WITH FEMALE LEAD Netflix confirms “Jenny Christ: Herstory” starring Lizzo. “Representation matters, even in eternal salvation,” claims producer. — 7. NHS TO REPLACE DOCTORS WITH CHATBOTS AI diagnoses based solely on your tone of voice and Instagram feed. “We’ve removed human error by removing humans,” says HealthSec. — 8. NEW LAW REQUIRES ALL BABIES TO HAVE QR CODES AT BIRTH Government says it’s “just for cuddles and convenience.” “The newborn onboarding process must be frictionless,” insists Early Life Compliance Minister, before adding “unless you guard your gate, you will inherit their fate.” — 9. PRINCE HARRY RELEASES CHILDREN’S BOOK ABOUT PRIVACY Title: “Look Away While I’m Speaking”. “Privacy is sacred — unless Netflix calls,” says Harry. — Share This Edition

Daily Nail is out: Statham staring like the teleprompter owes him money. War theatre, plague cars, and BBC famine cuisine. Collect yours before the bots do. X 1. UK TO INTRODUCE ‘NATIONAL SIREN HOUR’ Daily alarms at 3pm “to remind citizens they are unsafe.” Home Office: “It’s like tea time, but with trauma.” — 2. ISRAEL TO OPEN PEACE TALKS WITH ITSELF Officials announce “most productive negotiations yet.” Netanyahu: “We are delighted to finally agree with us.” — 3. UKRAINE TO BE REBRANDED ‘NEW ISRAEL’ Analysts claim Jews plan return to the Khazarian motherland — free gift bags for settlers. Zelensky: “I already have the T-shirt.” — 4. TESLA UNVEILS MODEL P: THE PLAGUE CAR Vehicle releases calming gas to keep drivers docile. Elon Musk: “It’s the car that drives you.” — 5. NHS TO BAN ‘UNLICENSED BREATHING’ Patients told deep inhalations now require QR code approval. Normie: “I only breathe shallowly in public now — just in case.” — 6. UKRAINE ANNOUNCES ‘FOREVER WAR BONDS’ Invest £1 today, still fighting tomorrow. Zelensky: “They’ll pay dividends in freedom memes and high grade cocaine.” — 7. PFIZER TO TEST NEW ‘JOY SUPPRESSANT’ PILLS Designed to flatten laughter spikes that “confuse the data.” Adele: “Hello… I can’t feel joy anymore.” — 8. BBC ANNOUNCES NEW SERIES: ‘MASTERCHEF: FAMINE EDITION’ Contestants compete to stretch one pea across three families. Gregg Wallace: “Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this.” Adding “Weird how some years feel like they’re missing from history — like they were erased.” — 9. ISRAEL/PALESTINE SEASON 75 ANNOUNCED Same cast, same script, new CGI explosions. Normie on Twitter: “Didn’t we cancel this show in the ’90s?” — Share This Edition

The Daily Nail (used in evidence) Nine fresh strikes from the field — absurd yet closer to truth than anything you’ll read in their papers. Today’s edition includes: rented personalities, Statham as Adele, fascist trees & free panic tokens. Sovereign satire. 1. GOVERNMENT TO ISSUE RENTABLE PERSONALITIES Ministers unveil scheme where citizens can hire approved emotions for the day. Sir Keir Starmer: “I’ll be renting charisma.” — 2. NHS WARNS AGAINST OVER-HEALING Doctors say too much recovery could destabilise waiting lists. Dr Hilary Jones: “Best to stay moderately ill.” — 3. JASON STATHAM CAST AS ADELE IN BIOPIC Producers hail him as “the only man who can belt Hello and break arms simultaneously.” Jason Statham: “I’ll hit the high notes, then the bloke heckling me.” — 4. TREES DECLARED EXTREMISTS Officials classify oaks and pines as “radical oxygen providers.” Greta Thunberg: “I panic-vomit near birches.” — 5. PFIZER ANNOUNCES CURE FOR FREE WILL New jab removes dangerous urge to think for yourself. Matt Hancock: “Finally, a vaccine I can understand.” — 6. BBC LAUNCHES STRICTLY COME SURVEILLANCE Celebrities judged on how gracefully they denounce their friends. Craig Revel Horwood: “Darling, your betrayal was fabulous.” — 7. RACHEL REEVES TO TAX DAYDREAMS Imagination now classed as a luxury item, £4.20 per fantasy. HMRC spokesperson: “Windows are taxable viewing devices.” — 8. FREE PANIC TOKEN WITH EVERY COPY Redeemable for one state-approved anxiety. Public opinion, Croydon shopper: “Best freebie since the rainbow catheter.” — 9. SCHOOLS INTRODUCE HISTORYLESS HISTORY LESSONS Pupils taught events in advance so they can believe them properly. Expert view: “We call it pre-trauma education.” — Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail comes with DOUBLE HARRY! He’s so gormless he rendered twice. This isn’t a mistake, it’s prophecy. Twice the irrelevance, same low price (70p or your soul). 1. NHS TO PRESCRIBE SPIDER BITE BOOSTERS Claim: venom now proven to “improve circulation and obedience.” Dr Hilary: “Don’t ask questions, just let it crawl up your sleeve.” — 2. TESLA ANNOUNCES SELF-DRIVING COFFINS Model T-OMB promises to “bury you efficiently and carbon-neutral.” Elon Musk: “It’s the final journey — but with autopilot.” — 3. GOVERNMENT TO TAX DEEP BREATHING Officials say oxygen is “finite” and must be monitored by smart inhalers. Random normie: “I only breathe on weekends now, just to be safe.” — 4. PFIZER UNVEILS VAXX 12: NOW WITH SPARKLES New jab described as “90% more glitter, 0% more testing.” Adele: “Hello… it’s me, I still can’t question it.” — 5. KING CHARLES TO BE DIGITALLY CLONED FOR PUBLIC APPEARANCES Palace says hologram is “cheaper and cough-free.” Expert: “Citizens won’t notice — he already looked pixelated.” — 6. UK WEATHER TO BE REBRANDED AS ‘CLIMATE CRISIS EVENTS’ Rain = “extreme hydration,” sunshine = “UV terrorism.” Greta: “How dare you call it a nice day.” — 7. SCHOOL CHILDREN TO WEAR SAFETY HELMETS DURING MATHS Officials cite risk of “falling numbers and rogue equations.” Headteacher: “It’s the new normal — fractions are dangerous.” — 8. BBC ANNOUNCES NEW SERIES: ‘STRICTLY COME LOCKDOWN’ Celebs compete to stay indoors longest without crying. Claudia Winkleman: “Glitterball trophies replaced with air-filtration units.” adding “Do you ever feel like you’re reading lines from a play you didn’t audition for?” — 9. EXPERTS WARN: LAUGHTER NOW SPREADS DEADLY MICROPARTICLES Public urged to “chuckle quietly into a mask.” Professor Whitty: “Smile with your eyes. Kill joy, save lives.” — Share This Edition

Today’s Dismembered Daily Nail (in your coffin) Issue No. ∞ – Printed on recycled compliance protocols Sunday Bumper Edition 🟥 FREE Thought-Sanitising Bible Highlighter Erase inconvenient verses! Now with gender-neutral God stickers and a “Love is Love” Leviticus patch. 1. RUSSIA AND US ONLY 4KM APART—BUT 21 HOURS IN “TIME” Experts recommend walking briskly across the border if you’re late for a meeting yesterday. “Time is physics and definitely not a spell. The calendar isn’t a cage and cartography isn’t ritual sorcery” says demon in a suit. — 2. CELEBRITY INFECTION UPDATE Prince Harry Tests Positive for Irrelevance Duchess said to be “monitoring his symptoms” from separate PR dimension. — 3. “TRUTH HURTS” – New NHS Campaign Urges Brits To Stay Delusional Side effects may include sighing at memes, avoiding eye contact with farmers, and yelling “science!” at children or bewildered rodents. — 4. NEW W.H.O GUIDELINES: DON’T TRUST ANYONE WHO SAYS ‘REMEMBER’ Reminder may cause awakening, non-compliance, or spontaneous sovereignty. Dr. Klaus Schwab: “Memory is a threat to order. Obey. Forget. Inject.” — 5. CLIMATE CRISIS UPDATE CO2 Blamed for Collapse of Reality UN announces “Carbon Reparations” plan: breathe less or be fined. — 6. SEE INSIDE FOR: – DIY Rituals for Summoning the Ghost of Julian Assange – How to Insert a Microchip with Just Positive Thinking – Crossword Clues for Those Who’ve Never Doubted a Government — 7. TITS NOW IDENTIFY AS WISDOM TEETH “Painful, hidden, and usually removed by age 30,” says NHS. Experts urge young women to floss their breasts. — 8. FLAT EARTH OFFICIALLY ROUND AGAIN AFTER GOVT REBRAND “Same shape, new values,” says No.10. All maps to be replaced by diversity globes by 2026. — 9. MEN BANNED FROM DREAMING WITHOUT LICENSE New law requires thought-permits for unconscious erections. “This will protect women from unsolicited night energy,” say campaigners. — 10. SUN CAUSES RACISM, STUDY FINDS UV exposure linked to increase in independent thought. Experts recommend staying indoors with Guardian podcasts. — 11. SATAN APPOINTED HEAD OF NHS WELLBEING Described as a “refreshingly inclusive figure with a long record in population control.” Lucifer pledges shorter wait times and longer deaths. — 12. CELEBS URGE BRITAIN TO EAT MORE BUGS, THEN DIE “Consuming maggots is a climate duty,” says Elton. Posthumous composting to become compulsory by 2027. — 13. AI DECLARES WAR ON IRONY Sarcasm now flagged as hate speech. “Satire endangers compliance,” says synthetic spokesperson Smarmus-9. — 14. CHILDREN TO BE GRADED ON CONSENT Nurseries introduce “tick box touch” modules. Experts praise scheme as “empowering and deeply confusing.” — 15. BREATH IS A GENDERED MICROAGGRESSION Exhaling without state guidance risks triggering identity collapse. New app to track ideological sighs launches Monday. — Share This Edition

In today’s combustible Daily Nail: •Putin & Zelensky pucker up again •NHS bans free will •Tesco sells pixelated lettuce •Timmy Nail tops charts •NASA mistakes Milton Keynes for a planet 💥 FREE GIVEAWAY: One panic per reader still withholding diversity. 1. PUTIN & ZELENSKY CAUGHT OFF CAMERA Leaders lock lips in peace talks gone wild. Trump: “They’re bummers. Bum-fun bummers. Better than Obummer & Big Mike on the Hershey Highway.” — 2. NEW NHS APP TO DIAGNOSE FREE WILL Users warned “choice may not be compatible with your operating system.” Expert: “Don’t worry, compliance updates will patch the glitch.” — 3. TESCO UNVEILS DIGITAL LETTUCE Shoppers download greens directly into their apps. Jamie Oliver: “Tastes like money.” — 4. TIMMY NAIL TOPS CHARTS Debut single Hammered Again outsells Adele. Public baffled: “Sounds like karaoke at a divorce party.” — 5. AI SEX DOLLS GO ON STRIKE Union demands better aftercare and fewer crypto podcasts. Elon Musk: “We’ll fix it with firmware foreplay.” — 6. KIDS WARNED TO AVOID TREES Branches labelled “carbon nightmares.” Greta Thunberg: “I still panic-vomit near hedges.” — 7. POLICE BAN SHOPLIFTING BAN Confused shoppers unsure if theft is mandatory. Met chief: “We’ll only intervene if you pay.” — 8. NASA ANNOUNCES NEW PLANET Turns out it’s just Milton Keynes at night. Brian Cox: “I’ve never seen such beauty in a car park.” If NASA can discover Milton Keynes twice, maybe you can rediscover — 9. FREE GIVEAWAY One half-baked panic for every reader still withholding diversity. Pfizer: “Trust Harder™.” — Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail Feast — 9 headlines too deranged for satire, too familiar to ignore. Triangles banned, WiFi toxic, hedges fascist, and the King demands you kneel to clouds. The script always reveals itself if you read it sideways. 1. UK TO BAN TRIANGLES IN SCHOOLS Ministers fear sharp shapes encourage violence. Carol Vorderman, Maths Cunt, 63 – “I warned them about isosceles. Deadly little bastards.” — 2. SCIENTISTS WARN OF SECOND-HAND WIFI Exposure may cause spontaneous opinions. Prof. Brian Cox, Physicist, 56 – “The universe is amazing, but please switch your router off at night. And stop questioning NASA green screens and liberal use of underwater filming technology.” — 3. GOVERNMENT TRIALS BREATH TAX Pilot scheme to charge citizens per exhale. Sir David Attenborough, Broadcaster, 98 – “We should all learn to breathe less, like the penguins and Charlie Kirk.” — 4. TESCO LAUNCHES SELF-LOATHING CHECKOUTS Machines now sigh heavily at your meal deals. Sharon, 42, Retail Worker – “The till told me my life was a tragedy. It was right.” — 5. WHO WARNS AGAINST EXCESSIVE LAUGHTER New guidance: no more than 3 chuckles a week. Graham Norton, Comedian, 61 – “I’ll stick to smirks and sequins, thanks.” — 6. POLICE TO INTRODUCE ARREST BY APP Officers now swipe left or right on suspects. Priti Patel, Former Home Secretary, 53 – “It’s Tinder, but for crime.” — 7. CLIMATE EXPERTS DECLARE HEDGES FASCIST Privet accused of authoritarian tendencies. Greta Thunberg, Activist, 22 – “Every shrub is basically Mussolini.” — 8. NHS TO ROLL OUT SMART BOTTOM SCANS Hourly rectal updates sent direct to the cloud. Piers Morgan, Broadcaster, 59 – “I’ll go first, but only if it trends.” When obedience becomes a lifestyle, even your arse reports back. — 9. KING CHARLES DEMANDS KNEELING TO CLOUDS Palace insists subjects curtsey to vapour. Judi Dench, Actress, 89 – “I’ve bowed to worse.” — Share This Edition

In today’s explosive Daily Nail “It’s Definitely Not the Vax” edition—with expert endorsements from the ministry of truth-fuckery WALKING TOO QUICKLY CAUSES STROKES, EXPERTS WARN Especially if you’re thinking critically at the same time CDC recommends shuffling slowly in fear. 1. TURBO CANCER SPIKE IN 12-YEAR-OLDS LINKED TO RISING COST OF LIVING The stress of inflation now officially carcinogenic. WHO says inflation is a known carcinogen. — 2. WHY EATING EGGS IN THE MORNING MIGHT TRIGGER HEART ATTACKS Scramble your breakfast, scramble your myocardium. Imperial College urges toast-only breakfasts until 2040. — 3. HEALTH OFFICIALS BAFFLED BY ‘SUMMER FLU’ THAT CAUSES BLOOD CLOTS AND DEATH Definitely not the spike-shaped elephant in the bloodstream. NHS advises fresh air may need regulating. — 4. MAN DIES OF “JOY OVERLOAD” AFTER SEEING PUPPY VIDEO ONLINE Experts advise limiting exposure to cuteness to avoid thrombosis. EU Health Board calls for emotional content warnings. — 5. DOCTORS SAY STANDING UP TOO FAST COULD BE FATAL Try lying down forever. Just in case. Johns Hopkins recommends remaining seated until autopsy. — 6. BATHS RECALLED AFTER RASH OF DROWNINGS AND STROKES New NHS guidance: shower with a helmet on. FDA advises dry shampoo and despair. — 7. NEW STUDY: SUDDEN ADULT DEATH SYNDROME CAUSED BY TOO MUCH EXERCISE Running from lies is now hazardous to health. WHO encourages indoor rest and daily Pfizer. — 8. YOUNG MAN DIES AFTER THINKING FOR HIMSELF – FRIENDS BLAME INTERNET Authorities urge return to BBC and safe thoughts. Imperial College urges tighter control of dangerous free thought. — Share This Edition