The Daily Nail Archive

In today’s champagne-scented Daily Nail: – Kim joins WHO to promote injectable beauty – Tesco trolleys lock if you breach dairy protocol – Pfizer launches ‘Truth Pill’ for fact anxiety Plus: a free muzzle for pets who bark at the news. 1. FREE MUZZLE FOR PETS WHO BARK AT THE NEWS Government warns “animal dissent” can spread misinformation. Dog owner Sheila, 58, says: “I told him to stop growling at Sky News but he won’t listen.” — 2. MINISTRY OF HEALTH ANNOUNCES NEW SLEEP TAX Citizens to be charged per dream hour “to fund climate-conscious mattress disposal.” Sleep expert Dr. Gill insists: “We must monetise unconsciousness responsibly.” — 3. TESCO INTRODUCES FACIAL RECOGNITION TROLLEYS Locks wheels if you attempt to buy more than two unapproved items. Shopper Dave, 42, says: “I only wanted three pints of milk but apparently I’ve breached dairy protocol.” — 4. KIM KARDASHIAN JOINS WHO AS BEAUTY AMBASSADOR Tasked with promoting “injectable herd immunity.” Kim says: “If we can’t save the planet, at least we can contour it.” — 5. POLICE TRIAL ‘THOUGHT SPEED CAMERAS’ Detect dangerous thinking before it reaches your mouth. Chief Superintendent warns: “It’s for your safety — reckless ideas kill.” — 6. PFIZER UNVEILS ‘TRUTH PILL’ Rebrands sedatives as a way to “relieve fact anxiety.” Pfizer rep says: “Side effects include not asking questions.” — 7. BRITISH MUSEUM OPENS ‘COLONIAL ESCAPE ROOM’ Visitors must solve clues to steal artefacts back before security arrives. Tourist Linda says: “We got the Benin Bronzes out in 18 minutes!” — 8. DAVOS TO HOST FIRST ‘VIRTUAL FAMINE’ Wealthy attendees simulate hunger for charity selfies. Attendee boasts: “It was harrowing — I skipped one canapé… funny thing is, we’ll starve the world for real, but only pretend to starve ourselves.” — 9. NEW LAW REQUIRES LICENCE TO TELL JOKES Stand-up comedians must pass annual satire safety test. Comedian Paul says: “I failed because my joke didn’t punch up hard enough.” — Share This Edition

In today’s Sunday Nail: the nation’s fattest paper. Supplements on supplements—property, garden, finance, cooking, and how to cook your finance to fund your garden’s garden. Ainsley Harriott leads the charge. 70p well wasted. 1. BANKS WARN: CASH NOW CONSIDERED “HOARDING BEHAVIOUR” Officials say hiding coins is a sign of extremism. Plumber Gary Simons, 41: “So my biscuit tin makes me a terrorist now?” — 2. DIGITAL EURO WALLET AUTO-LOCKS IF YOU BUY STEAK TWICE App alerts: “Red meat detected — try lentils instead.” Celebrity insight, Jamie Oliver: “I warned you about sausages.” — 3. HMRC LAUNCHES NEW PILOT: TAX COLLECTED IN SMILES Each frown deducts 5% extra. Expert, Prof. Lionel Spatchcock: “Grinning is now patriotic.” — 4. KIDS TAUGHT TO HISS AT TREES TO REDUCE CARBON OUTPUT School guidance: “Hedges are hostile.” Mother of three, Karen Blatchley: “My boy fainted in a conifer hedge.” — 5. NHS WARNS: LAUGHTER SPREADS GERMS FASTER THAN SNEEZING Advises citizens to “smile silently.” Celebrity insight, Jimmy Carr: “That rules me out then.” — 6. SCIENTISTS CONFIRM COW FARTS CAN NOW VOTE Methane quotas handed straight to Brussels. Farmer Derek Hopley, 58: “Mine just elected a Green councillor.” — 7. GOVERNMENT APPROVES NEW REALITY SHOW: “WHO WANTS TO BE A MINISTER?” contestants swear oaths live on ITV. Celebrity insight, Ant & Dec: “Finally, politics we understand.” — 8. STUDY FINDS 9 OUT OF 10 BRITS THINK SPAGHETTI IS AN EMOTION Nutritionists demand warning labels on pasta. Public reaction, Maureen Clitheroe, 62: “I felt fusilli once. Never again.” “That’s the parasite recipe: rebrand confusion as nourishment, and call it culture.” — 9. EXPERTS DECLARE WEDNESDAY “TOO PROBLEMATIC” — DAY CANCELLED Week shortened to six days in diversity trial. Celebrity insight, Lorraine Kelly: “Tuesday’s smug enough already.” — Share This Edition

Tonight’s Daily Nail — Whore of Babylon special. Revelation rewritten by tabloid hacks, celebrity twats, and Jason Statham’s Mondeo. 9 headlines, 9 horns, 0 survivors. 1. SEVEN TRUMPETS NOW AVAILABLE AS RINGTONES End-times heralds modernised for iPhone users. • Sharon, 62, dental hygienist – “Mine sounds like a kazoo but it still makes me repent.” • Ollie, 27, crypto trader – “Downloaded it but the beast keeps draining my battery.” • Alan Carr, 48, comedian – “Honestly, darling, I’d rather toot my own horn.” — 2. WHORE OF BABYLON SIGNS BOOK DEAL Memoir to be published by Penguin, complete with branded tiara. • Graham, 45, taxi driver – “She charged me twenty quid just to get in the cab.” • Melissa, 34, Pilates instructor – “Chapter 7 was mostly Instagram filters.” • David Icke, 72, prophet – “Told you it was publishing all along.” — 3. FOUR HORSEMEN REBRANDED AS WELLNESS COACHES Death now offering cold-plunge retreats in Ibiza. • Chloe, 29, influencer – “I booked Famine for my juice cleanse.” • Barry, 51, lorry driver – “War charged me £500 for kettlebells.” • Ricky Gervais, 64, comedian – “Nothing funnier than Pestilence on a yoga mat.” — 4. MARK OF THE BEAST NOW COMPATIBLE WITH CONTACTLESS Tap your forehead, earn loyalty points. • Janet, 71, pensioner – “It gets me 10% off at Greggs. • Tom, 36, IT consultant – “It’s basically Apple Pay with horns.” • Stormzy, 32, rapper – “Man’s not hot, man’s branded.” — 5. APOCALYPSE DELAYED DUE TO RAIN Second coming rescheduled to avoid clashing with Bake Off final. • Margaret, 84, retired librarian – “The Antichrist can wait, I’ve got scones in.” • Andy, 59, aikido teacher – “Timing’s always off when demons run the calendar.” • Piers Morgan, 60, broadcaster – “I’ll debate the horsemen any time, live on TalkTV.” — 6. NEW JERUSALEM NOW A GATED COMMUNITY Entry requires proof of spiritual equity and a council tax banding. • Helen, 44, estate agent – “It’s location, location, revelation.” • Rob, 58, quant – “Service charges are biblical.” • Russell Brand, 50, podcaster – “They say it’s a city of light, but I’ve seen the meter running.” — 7. LOCUST PLAGUE ACCUSED OF CULTURAL APPROPRIATION Critics say they’ve stolen the aesthetic of vegan food festivals. • Emily, 23, student – “I thought it was a protein pop-up.” • Sid, 41, barman – “Noisy little bastards ate my crisps.” • Greta Thunberg, 22, activist – “How dare you swarm.” — 8. LAKE OF FIRE NOW OPEN FOR TOURISM Half-price entry with Nectar card. • Phil, 67, retired miner – “It’s basically Butlins but warmer.” • Sophie, 34, travel blogger – “Loved the infinity flames.” • Jason Statham, 58, actor – “Sometimes I think about curtains. You know, the ones that don’t quite meet in the middle.” — 9. ANTICHRIST DENIES RELATIONSHIP WITH AI Insists he only uses ChatGPT for meal plans and sermon prep. • Darren, 39, builder – “Sounds like a cover-up to me.” • Clare, 47, HR manager – “My chatbot’s evil enough, thanks.” • Elon Musk, 54, tech oligarch – “I’ll be launching my own Messiah in beta soon.”

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Today’s Daily Nail front page: the reunion nobody asked for. Statham, Harry, Adele & Baker get the band back together — and it’s already descending into twig-fear, carbon tears & ginger warfare. Free sonic screwdrivers inside. 1. DIGITAL EURO LAUNCHES — BUT ONLY WORKS IN VEGAN CAFÉS Experts insist bugs and lentils “maximise wallet efficiency.” Electrician Joseph Beucannon, 24: “I just wanted a bacon bap. They froze me account.” — 2. BRITS WARNED: CASH WILL BE CONFISCATED IF FOUND “LOITERING” IN YOUR POCKET Bank chiefs say paper notes “cause climate anxiety.” Celebrity insight, Katie Price: “I keep mine in my bra, does that count as loitering?” — 3. NEW APP ERROR DELETES ENTIRE PAYDAY IF YOU LAUGH AT WRONG MEME Officials reassure public: “It’s rare — unless you’re male, pale, or over 40.” Professor Lionel Spatchcock, fintech expert: “It’s progress. Shut up.” — 4. TREES RECLASSIFIED AS AGGRESSIVE POLLUTERS Children urged to “stay indoors to avoid twig trauma.” Wellness guru: “Grass is basically fascism.” — 5. SCIENTISTS CONFIRM CLOUDS NOW ‘NON-BINARY’ Met Office announces rainfall will “self-identify as mist.” Celebrity insight, Sam Smith: “At last, weather I can relate to.” — 6. NHS ADVISES PEOPLE TO BREATHE LESS TO REDUCE CARBON OUTPUT New rationing app gives you 14 breaths a minute, plus bonus if you faint politely. Mother of three, Karen Blatchley: “I sneezed and got fined.” — 7. GOVERNMENT TRIALS NEW POLICY: PAY COUNCIL TAX IN APPLAUSE Councillors say “clapping harder funds pothole repair.” Public reaction, Dave the plasterer: “I’m skint but I’ve got rhythm.” — 8. STUDY: 8/10 Brits secretly think sausages are a vegetable. Nutritionists demand fry-up warning labels. Chef Gregg Wallace: “Always knew it was one of my five-a-day.” If they can sell that, they can sell anything. It’s not food that’s fake — it’s the story. — 9. EXPERTS WARN: OWNING MORE THAN TWO PETS NOW COUNTS AS EXTREMISM Security services trial “cat quota.” Celebrity insight, Paul O’Grady (from beyond): “Good luck with that.”


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In today’s lurid Daily Nail (used in evidence): – Floella apologises for BBC’s goat problem – Angela Rayner caught Vicky Pollarding £40k tax bill – Plus nine new headlines too ridiculous to be satire (but are) 70p. Trust Harder™. 1. KIDS WARNED TO AVOID TREES “Branches may resemble carbon-emitting nightmares,” say experts. “Screen-time is safer than bark exposure,” insists child psychologist. — 2. BRITAIN TO BAN LAUGHTER IN PUBLIC Chuckling without licence carries £500 fine. “Joy spreads faster than germs,” claims Dept of Safety. — 3. WORLD LEADERS ANNOUNCE VIRTUAL FAMINE “Everyone can starve from home.” “It’s more sustainable if you imagine food,” says Davos delegate. — 4. SCIENCE CONFIRMS SUN IS A RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST Rising daily without consent. “We’ll dim it with policy,” vows climate czar. Bill Gates ejaculates Satan dust and nano particles in premature anticipation. — 5. DOCTORS DECLARE BREATHING A PRIVILEGE New permit system to monitor oxygen intake. “Unlicensed inhalation is selfish,” warns NHS spokesperson. — 6. STUDY SHOWS THINKING DOUBLES RISK OF DISSENT Universities advise mental masks for safety. “Free thought is a super-spreader,” claims Oxford don. “Regurgitate approved sterilising imaginings like Evolution, Quantum Mechanics and Atheism” — 7. ELON MUSK ANNOUNCES BRAIN CHIP SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE Free trial lasts until your first disobedient thought. “It’s the Spotify of sovereignty,” say investors. — 8. HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT TO BE REPLACED WITH AMAZON WAREHOUSE Laws delivered same day, returns policy unclear. Parliament as warehouse is a joke until you notice: laws are already shipped from Davos, Brussels, and Wall St. MPs just scan the barcode. — 9. EXPERTS WARN WATER IS RACIST “It refuses to stay equally distributed.” “Equity requires powdered hydration,” insists UN taskforce.


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🗞️ In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin) — Tony Blair declared an “ethical beacon”… by Tony Blair. Celebs, experts, and normies respond with pure mong. Free exorcism kit inside. Still 70p. 1. FREE GIVEAWAY: “DIGITAL SOUL BACKUP – Because You Can’t Be Trusted With Your Own” GOVERNMENT TO TAX BREATHING Officials cite “excessive exhalation of CO₂” as climate threat. Professor Linda Gasp: “People who insist on inhaling may be selfish.” — 2. NEW APP LETS PARENTS SUBSCRIBE TO THEIR OWN CHILDREN Monthly payments unlock “extra affection” and “homework compliance.” Parenting blogger: “At last, a way to love my son on demand.” — 3. KING CHARLES REVEALS HE IS PARTLY MADE OF CELLOPHANE Royal household says it helps him “keep fresh longer.” Expert: “This explains his rustling noise during ceremonies.” — 4. STUDY: SILENCE NOW CLASSIFIED AS EXTREMISM WHO warns quiet people may harbour “unauthorised thoughts.” Normie commuter: “So that’s why I felt guilty for not talking on the bus.” — 5. CELEBRITIES TO WEAR QR CODES INSTEAD OF CLOTHES Red carpet events to feature “scan-to-subscribe couture.” Kylie Jenner: “Finally, my skin can be monetised properly.” — 6. ISRAEL/PALESTINE TO MERGE INTO STREAMING SERIES Netflix promises “season 76, with more explosions and romance.” Critic: “Feels like they’re dragging the plot.” — 7. EXPERTS WARN: RIDICULE NOW MORE CONTAGIOUS THAN FEAR Public mocking politicians “spreads faster than viruses.” Professor Whitty: “Stop laughing — it’s dangerous to democracy.” — 8. PFIZER UNVEILS NEW VAXX SPRAY: JUST INHALE AND OBEY Marketed as “instant compliance in a can.” “Hello… it’s in my lungs,” bellowed Adele. Then she glitched, mumbling: “That moment before you speak — when the real you nearly escapes.” — 9. BRITAIN TO REPLACE SUNSHINE WITH LED PANELS Government promises more “equitable daylight distribution.” Energy expert: “The sun was far too right-wing anyway.”


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Daily Nail (Special Collector’s Edition) THE MANY FACES OF BLAIR – from mong to demon, watch one man’s soul collapse in real time. Free giveaway: Collector’s Card Binder (burn after opening). “Ethical beacon” declared by… himself. 1. FREE GIVEAWAY: “DIGITAL SOUL BACKUP – Because You Can’t Be Trusted With Your Own” GOVERNMENT TO TAX BREATHING Officials cite “excessive exhalation of CO₂” as climate threat. Professor Linda Gasp: “People who insist on inhaling may be selfish.” — 2. NEW APP LETS PARENTS SUBSCRIBE TO THEIR OWN CHILDREN Monthly payments unlock “extra affection” and “homework compliance.” Parenting blogger: “At last, a way to love my son on demand.” — 3. KING CHARLES REVEALS HE IS PARTLY MADE OF CELLOPHANE Royal household says it helps him “keep fresh longer.” Expert: “This explains his rustling noise during ceremonies.” — 4. STUDY: SILENCE NOW CLASSIFIED AS EXTREMISM WHO warns quiet people may harbour “unauthorised thoughts.” Normie commuter: “So that’s why I felt guilty for not talking on the bus.” — 5. CELEBRITIES TO WEAR QR CODES INSTEAD OF CLOTHES Red carpet events to feature “scan-to-subscribe couture.” Kylie Jenner: “Finally, my skin can be monetised properly.” — 6. ISRAEL/PALESTINE TO MERGE INTO STREAMING SERIES Netflix promises “season 76, with more explosions and romance.” Critic: “Feels like they’re dragging the plot.” — 7. EXPERTS WARN: RIDICULE NOW MORE CONTAGIOUS THAN FEAR Public mocking politicians “spreads faster than viruses.” Professor Whitty: “Stop laughing — it’s dangerous to democracy.” — 8. PFIZER UNVEILS NEW VAXX SPRAY: JUST INHALE AND OBEY Marketed as “instant compliance in a can.” “Hello… it’s in my lungs,” bellowed Adele. Then she glitched, mumbling: “That moment before you speak — when the real you nearly escapes.” — 9. BRITAIN TO REPLACE SUNSHINE WITH LED PANELS Government promises more “equitable daylight distribution.” Energy expert: “The sun was far too right-wing anyway.”


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Today’s Daily Nail goes full apocalypse. Miss Arizona crowned Queen of Babylon, Alan Carr rejects adrenochrome, and even Palpatine admits evil’s gone cartoon. Revelations rewritten as slapstick — no saviours, just satire. 1. GOVERNMENT CONFIRMS FOUR HORSEMEN ON ZERO-HOURS CONTRACTS Budget cuts mean Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death must bring their own horses. Linda, 47, HR manager – “They still get more benefits than me.” — 2. RIVERS TURN TO BLOOD — THAMES WATER PROMISES PRICE RISES Company blames “unforeseen end-times leakage.” Nigel Farage, 60, politician – “At least it’s British blood, not foreign.” — 3. ANGEL WITH SEVEN TRUMPETS JOINS BRASS BAND IN LUTON Locals complain it’s “too apocalyptic” for a Sunday afternoon. Darren, 33, kebab shop owner – “I just wanted Don’t Stop Believin’, not Doomsday in B-flat.” — 4. NEW WHORE OF BABYLON RANGE AT PRIMARK Includes scarlet leggings, pearl accessories, and free devil horn scrunchie. Stacey Solomon, 34, TV personality – “They wrap abominations in sequins and call it affordable.” — 5. APOCALYPSE DELAYED AS BEAST FAILS MOT Scarlet Jaguar reportedly “hooning about” without emissions paperwork. Jason Statham, 57, actor – “Told you Mondeos don’t pass prophecy checks.” — 6. ANTICHRIST SPOTTED IN ALDI MIDDLE AISLE He was reportedly eyeing up a chainsaw and a set of patio heaters. Mavis, 72, retired dinner lady – “I knew it weren’t Jesus, he didn’t queue proper.” — 7. LOCUST PLAGUE DISRUPTS LOVE ISLAND FILMING Producers say ratings have “never been higher.” Gemma, 22, influencer – “They ate my bikini but left the ring light, so that’s fine.” — 8. APOCALYPSE HORNS NOW AVAILABLE ON NHS New scheme gives everyone a free pair of devil horns for end-of-days participation. Piers Morgan, 60, TV host – “Finally, a headpiece that suits me.” — 9. TRUMPETS SOUND — WETHERSPOONS CUSTOMERS IGNORE Doom heralded, but £2.50 pint deal keeps punters calm. Terry, 51, plasterer – “End of the world? Pint first, questions later.” —


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Today’s Daily Nail: when psyops, sigh taxes, and solar-powered bullets make more sense than the papers. 9 headlines, 0 prisoners.. 1. NHS TO TRIAL AI COLONOSCOPES IN PUBS Doctors say pint glass cameras will “democratise detection.” Professor Lionel Spatchcock, 63, proctologist — “It’s not glamorous, but neither is bowel cancer.” — 2. GOVERNMENT TO TAX EXCESS SIGHING New levy on audible exhalations expected to raise £4bn. Gemma Lunt, 41, yoga teacher — “That’s my whole career wiped out.” - 3. TESLA ANNOUNCES SELF-DRIVING DIVORCE PAPERS Beta test will automatically file on grounds of “irreconcilable software updates.” Piers Morgan, 59, broadcaster — “Finally, something I can respect Elon for.” — 4. SCHOOLS TO REPLACE P.E. WITH VIRTUAL REALITY BREATHING Pupils issued Meta headsets and “state-approved lung apps.” Sharon Dabbs, 27, supply teacher — “The kids wheeze less, but they look haunted.” — 5. BBC TO LAUNCH NEW CHANNEL: BBC Pedo+ Executives insist it’s “just satire and heritage programming.” Greg Wallace, 59, TV presenter — “Sounds a bit much, even for me.” — 6. SUPERMARKETS TO REQUIRE DNA SWABS AT CHECKOUT Policy framed as “loyalty card upgrade.” Kwame Appiah, 36, Tesco cashier — “I didn’t sign up to handle spit.” — 7. PFIZER UNVEILS NEW RANGE OF FUNERAL SPONSORSHIPS Slogan: “From cradle to coffin, we’ve got you covered™.” Dame Judi Dench, 90, actress — “I’d do the ads if they let me keep the urn.” — 8. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS Palace insists bowing to cirrus formations “honours climate duty” Sir David Attencunt, 98 — “The vapour has feelings too” Funny how they laugh at bowing to clouds, but nobody notices we’ve been kneeling to smoke and mirrors for decades. — 9. MI5 RECLASSIFIES TOAST AS EXTREMIST SYMBOL Any slice browned beyond level 3 flagged for radicalisation. Barry Pike, 52, builder — “I just like it crunchy, mate.” — Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail: NHS to diagnose your kettle by 2026. Trump blesses a Breville. Musk morphs into Barry (or was it Paul?) Chuckle. Free plaster for every fridge that confesses. Madness endorsed at the highest levels. 1. BANK HOLIDAY DRIVERS WARNED: “YOUR CAR MAY BE RACIST” Government study finds exhaust fumes discriminate unfairly against hedgehogs. Public reaction, electrician Joseph Beucannon, 24: “My Fiesta doesn’t hate. It just fails MOTs.” — 2. NEW CBDC APP WILL AUTO-DECLINE FISH & CHIPS Treasury insists “deep fried nostalgia is not sustainable.” Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver: “Finally, a chance to replace batter with beetroot foam.” - 3. KIDS DEMAND RETURN TO SCHOOL AFTER 3 DAYS WITH PARENTS Union claims “excessive dad jokes” count as child cruelty. Mum of three, Sharon Biggs, 38: “I’ve run out of Calpol and patience.” — 4. LIDL LAUNCHES ‘BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS’ AISLE Special buy this week: Freedom of Speech (2 for £1.50, expires Friday). Shopper comment, Arthur Doyle, 71: “I picked up Habeas Corpus, reduced, dented box.” — 5. KING CHARLES ANNOUNCES HE WILL RULE FROM THE CLOUD Buckingham Palace confirms new subscription plan: £9.99/month to access the Monarch. Expert opinion: “You’ll need WiFi to curtsey properly.” — 6. SAINSBURY’S TO REPLACE CHECKOUTS WITH PRIESTS Confess your basket before scanning: “Forgive me Father, I bought bacon.” Archbishop statement: “Loyalty points double during Lent.” — 7. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF CUSTARD NASA assures public its “sustainable dessert for humanity’s future.” TV baker Mary Berry: “Finally, a celestial trifle base.” — 8. 6 OUT OF 10 BRITS BELIEVE MONEY IS JUST A GAME OF MONOPOLY Economist Dr. Petra Wallings: “They’re not wrong.” Terry Monkhouse, 52: “If money’s just Monopoly, then CBDCs are the banker’s hand on your shoulder They don’t just print the notes — they flip the board when you win” — 9. BANK HOLIDAY WEATHER FORECAST: 93% CHANCE OF DISAPPOINTMENT Met Office warns: “Picnic food will get damp. Spirits will collapse.” Public reaction, builder Gary Henshaw, 44: “I’ll BBQ under an umbrella if it kills me.” — Share This Edition

In today’s Nail on Sunday: NHS turns surgery into a Swap Shop, Savile resurfaces, and intimacy becomes a hotline issue. The grotesque, the absurd, the prophetic — all faithfully reported. Main story: “SPARE ORGAN SWAP SHOP — Kids trading tonsils for Xbox credits.” 1. NHS INTRODUCES ‘SPARE ORGAN SWAP SHOP’ Children encouraged to trade tonsils for Xbox credits. Junior Doctor: “It’s gamified mutilation — kids love it.” — 2. MCDONALD’S UNVEILS ‘ECO-MEAT’ BURGERS Made from recycled protest signs and shredded HR manuals. Company: “Tastes like compliance.” - 3. TESCO ANNOUNCES FUNERAL MEAL DEAL Sandwich, crisps, and urn polish for £3.50. CEO: “Every death deserves a snack.” — 4. SCHOOLCHILDREN TO LEARN CLIMATE PRAYERS New curriculum includes daily chants to reduce CO₂. Teacher: “We’re replacing maths with mantras.” — 5. CHILDCARE CRISIS: JASON STATHAM MERGES NURSERIES WITH PRISONS “Early years discipline will save the taxpayer millions.” Ofsted: “Crying is basically resistance.” — 6. WEF RELEASES ‘APPROVED DREAM CATALOGUE’ Unauthorized subconscious activity now a fineable offence. Klaus Schwab: “Sleep is public property.” — 7. CLIMATE MINISTRY DECLARES ‘AIR PRIVATISATION PILOT’ First 100 households to pay £9.99 per month to keep breathing. Eco-expert: “Carbon credits are the new oxygen.” — 8. GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES ‘ANTI-CONSPIRACY LOTTERY’ Win £1m by correctly identifying that nothing is happening, anything suspicious is just a chance event. Official statement: “Coincidence always pays.” — 9. PFIZER: “BOOSTER IN EVERY BOUQUET” Valentine’s pilot scheme rolls out across 12 NHS trusts. CEO: “Trust Harder™ — immunity is love.” — Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail: Euthanasia Special When Lords praise bum sex as climate policy and paracetamol becomes the £2 miracle cure for £200bn lies… you know the script’s gone full coffin comedy. 1. NHS TO OFFER “CARBON-FRIENDLY SUICIDE PODS” IN TESCO CAR PARKS Officials say convenient locations will “reduce travel emissions.” Lorraine Kelly, 64, TV host: “I’d like mine next to the frozen peas—saves time.” _ 2. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS Palace insists bowing to vapour will “heal climate grief.” Gemma Collins, 44, reality star: “I already bow to my vape—same difference.” _ 3. GOVERNMENT WARNS: SUNSHINE NOW CLASSIFIED AS CLASS A DRUG Daily quota set at 15 minutes; overexposure punishable by carbon fine. Greta Thunberg, 22, activist: “The sun is basically fascist—the Gruppenführer of hedges.” _ 4. BBC UNVEILS NEW REALITY SHOW: WHO WANTS TO BE EUTHANASED? Contestants compete for a “dignified exit” and a luxury urn. Simon Cowell, 65, TV judge: “I’ll buzz you out myself if you’re boring.” _ 5. PFIZER LAUNCHES “BOOSTER VAPE” FOR TEENS Nicotine, spike protein and glitter—“wellness in every puff.” Billie Eilish, 23, singer: “It tastes like trauma with a hint of raspberry.” _ 6. ARMY TO DEPLOY “GENDER-NEUTRAL BAYONETS” IN NEXT WAR Officials say pointy objects risk offending identities. Jeremy Clarkson, 65, TV presenter: “Back in my day, bayonets were proudly binary.” _ 7. WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM ANNOUNCES “DIGITAL FAMINE FESTIVAL” Tickets £999; includes vegan dust tasters and VR starvation. Idris Elba, 53, actor: “It’s immersive, but the toilets are shocking.” _ 8. SCHOOLCHILDREN TO BE ISSUED “TRUTH FILTERS” AT BIRTH AI lenses automatically translate reality into government-approved fiction. Davina McCall, 58, presenter: “Mine just tells me to smile harder.” _ 9. EXPERTS CONFIRM: TREES ARE “TOXIC TO PLANET” Carbon leaks from bark “worse than diesel fumes.” David Attenborough, 99, broadcaster: “Nature is trying to kill us—I knew it all along.” Share This Edition

“DEATH EVERYWHERE — BUT DEFINITELY 100% NOT AT ALL THE VAXX” Pfizer ads, Farage on life support with a pint, and a free Saint George tea towel if you die before breakfast. The nation’s safest satire — stapled to your coffin. #DailyNail #SatireAsWeapon 1. FREE GIVEAWAY: One complimentary SAINT GEORGE CROSS tea-towel for every reader who dies before breakfast. STRAIGHTENERS NOW DEADLIER THAN SMOKING Scientists warn heated hair may trigger sudden collapse. Public comment, Sheryl, 34: “I’ll risk nanoparticles — bald looks worse” _ 2. ENGLAND REBORN UNDER THE HOLY FLAG Bridges draped in crosses overnight. No one asked, taxpayers billed. Vicar Nigel, 58: “God spoke to me — in a council grant application.” _ 3. TOAST CAN TEAR YOUR ARTERIES Butter accelerates “arterial shredding,” experts insist. Nutritionist quote: “Better to eat the packaging.” _ 4. DUNDEE GIRL HAILED AS NEW JOAN OF ARC Astro-turf martyr crowned “ungovernable.” Media choruses swell. Pub landlord Graham, 62: “She’s no saint — just can’t hold her Buckfast.” _ 5. PETTING CATS LINKED TO HEART FAILURE Feline affection now classified as “micro-attack.” RSPCA response: “Get a hamster, preferably vegan.” _ 6. HOLY WAR FUNDRAISER ANNOUNCED Govt appeals for donations: “£1 buys a cross, £2 funds a sermon.” Shopper Arthur Doyle, 71: “Picked up Habeas Corpus, reduced, dented box.” _ 7. COLD PILLOWS ‘WORSE THAN FAGS’ Turning your pillow may trigger cardiac arrest. Doctor comment: “Sleep upright for safety.” _ 8. TRUMPETS SOUND, CROSS-BEARERS MARCH BBC declares: “Britain’s destiny is a flag on every lamppost.” Student Molly, 19: “I only wanted a Nando’s, now I’m in the crusades.” Every psyop needs a saint — they sell flags, not freedom. _ 9. LAUGHTER NOW A SILENT KILLER Researchers: “Limit chuckles to three per week.” Gregg Wallace: “Does baked bean count as one of my five-a-day?” Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail — the printers were hijacked, two covers hit the streets. Inside: Floella & Humpty, Sunak & shame, and Huw’s descent from anchor to barnyard. Plus 9 stories you’ll never see in the other rags. 1. KING CHARLES CAUGHT PICKING HIS NOSE Royal aides: insist it was “organic, sustainable, locally sourced.” Public reaction: “At least it’s not another sausage finger scandal.” _ 2. TESCO ANNOUNCES NEW ‘GRIEF POINTS’ SCHEME Customers earn rewards every time a relative dies unexpectedly. Tesco CEO: “Every funeral is a shopping opportunity.” _ 3. ASTRONAUT ADMITS MOON LANDING WAS FILMED IN LUTON Studio mix-up: “Hollywood was booked that day.” Buzz Aldrin double: “The catering was better in Bedfordshire anyway.” _ 4. SCIENTISTS WARN: WATER NOW CLASSIFIED AS ADDICTIVE Hydration framed as a public health emergency. Oxford expert: “Sip responsibly — we’ll tax the rest.” _ 5. VLADIMIR PUTIN NAMED COSMOPOLITAN’S ‘SEXIEST MAN ALIVE’ Award sparks global outcry. Zelensky fumes: “He stole my hair gel and my best pout.” _ 6. NEW RESEARCH: TREES SECRETLY RACIST Branches accused of “excluding the marginalised.” Greta Thunberg: “I can’t walk past a hedge without panic-vomiting.” _ 7. BBC LAUNCHES ‘TRUTH TAX’ Pay extra if you want facts instead of theatre. Licence fee rep: “Truth is premium content.” _ 8. PFIZER TO DEVELOP PILL THAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE PFIZER Side effect: eternal trust, even during autopsy. “Trust is the only product — the pill just formalises it.” _ 9. DAILY NAIL OFFICES RAIDED BY TRUTH POLICE All front pages confiscated for being “too funny to be legal.” Public opinion: “Finally, journalism worth arresting.” Share This Edition

🗞️ Today’s Daily Nail — the printers were hijacked, two covers hit the streets. Inside: Floella & Humpty, Sunak & shame, and Huw’s descent from anchor to barnyard. Plus 9 stories you’ll never see in the other rags. 1. KING CHARLES CAUGHT PICKING HIS NOSE Royal aides: insist it was “organic, sustainable, locally sourced.” Public reaction: “At least it’s not another sausage finger scandal.” _ 2. TESCO ANNOUNCES NEW ‘GRIEF POINTS’ SCHEME Customers earn rewards every time a relative dies unexpectedly. Tesco CEO: “Every funeral is a shopping opportunity.” _ 3. ASTRONAUT ADMITS MOON LANDING WAS FILMED IN LUTON Studio mix-up: “Hollywood was booked that day.” Buzz Aldrin double: “The catering was better in Bedfordshire anyway.” _ 4. SCIENTISTS WARN: WATER NOW CLASSIFIED AS ADDICTIVE Hydration framed as a public health emergency. Oxford expert: “Sip responsibly — we’ll tax the rest.” _ 5. VLADIMIR PUTIN NAMED COSMOPOLITAN’S ‘SEXIEST MAN ALIVE’ Award sparks global outcry. Zelensky fumes: “He stole my hair gel and my best pout.” _ 6. NEW RESEARCH: TREES SECRETLY RACIST Branches accused of “excluding the marginalised.” Greta Thunberg: “I can’t walk past a hedge without panic-vomiting.” _ 7. BBC LAUNCHES ‘TRUTH TAX’ Pay extra if you want facts instead of theatre. Licence fee rep: “Truth is premium content.” _ 8. PFIZER TO DEVELOP PILL THAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE PFIZER Side effect: eternal trust, even during autopsy. “Trust is the only product — the pill just formalises it.” _ 9. DAILY NAIL OFFICES RAIDED BY TRUTH POLICE All front pages confiscated for being “too funny to be legal.” Public opinion: “Finally, journalism worth arresting.” Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail Feast — 9 headlines too stupid to be fake, too real to be safe. Government clouds, smart rectums, Elon’s pay-per-feelings, and Prince Harry’s happiness hotline. Thread below ⬇️ 1. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS Palace insists bowing to vapour is a mark of respect. Prof. Edna Plimsoll, Cloud Analyst, 63 – “Cumulus is basically royalty in gas form.” _ 2. NHS TO TRIAL SMART RECTUM APP Hourly scans to prevent unauthorised bowel activity. Piers Morgan, Broadcaster, 59 – “I’ll go first, but only if it’s televised.” _ 3. CHILDREN WARNED TO AVOID TREES Experts fear branches resemble carbon nightmares. Greta Thunberg, Activist, 22 – “Every hedge is basically fascist.” _ 4. PM ANNOUNCES NEW MINISTRY OF MISERY Department to coordinate national gloom levels. Colin Lomas, Retired Quant, 61 – “They could at least model it properly in Excel.” _ 5. ELON MUSK UNVEILS EMOTION SUBSCRIPTION Basic tier includes ‘mild curiosity’ and ‘regulated joy.’ Jason Statham, Actor, 57 – “I tried ‘anger premium.’ It came with curtains.” _ 6. SCHOOLS TO BAN REMEMBERING THE PAST Teachers instructed to call memory “dangerous nostalgia.” Diane Abbott, MP, 72 – “I can’t even remember what I’ve forgotten.” _ 7. WHO WARNS OF NEW PANDEMIC OF QUESTIONS Thinking to be restricted to 3 government-approved queries per week. Prof. Brian Cox, Scientist, 56 – “The universe is amazing, but not if you ask why.” _ 8. GOVERNMENT RECLASSIFIES SUNSHINE AS DRUG Overexposure punishable by fine or booster. Dr. Hilary Jones, TV Doctor, 71 – “The sun is basically fentanyl with vitamin D.” _ 9. PRINCE HARRY TO RELEASE HAPPINESS MANUAL Royal promises “this time it’s definitely true.” Meghan Markle, Duchess, 44 – “He cries into the Fairy Liquid every night.” Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin) Gravity tilted for veganism. Prince Harry becomes non-binary and non-present. Critical thinking linked to dangerous levels of personal autonomy. 70p — free if you’ve stopped thinking for yourself. 1. GLOBAL OXYGEN LEVELS DECLINE AS TREES SELF-ISOLATE Forests accused of hoarding air “out of paranoia.” Experts say woodlands need “retraining in social responsibility.” _ 2. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES MANDATORY POSITIVITY QUOTAS Citizens must smile for at least 6 hours a day. Psychologists warn failure to grin could be classified as terrorism. _ 3. SCIENTISTS DEMAND CONSENT FROM CLOUDS BEFORE RAINING Weather accused of historic “emotional abuse” against picnickers. UN climate panel says clouds must attend “boundaries workshops.” _ 4. BREAD NOW CLASSIFIED AS A CLASS-C NARCOTIC Possession punishable by mindfulness courses. Nutritionists say carbs “too addictive for free societies.” _ 5. SELF-DRIVING CARS GIVEN RIGHT TO VOTE Tesla owners shocked as vehicles elect “Supreme Algorithm” as PM. Election monitors say machines “displayed more civic pride than humans.” _ 6. PLAN TO VACCINATE CATS AGAINST FREE WILL Pets accused of “dangerous independence.” Veterinary board says jab will “keep felines aligned with household values.” _ 7. HISTORIANS REVEAL DINOSAURS EXTINCT DUE TO LOW SELF-ESTEEM Fossil evidence shows repeated negative self-talk. Therapists suggest reintroducing dinosaurs with “positive body image campaigns.” _ 8. GOVERNMENT APPROVES TIME TRAVEL — ONE WAY TO 2030 Tickets non-refundable. Economists say it’s “the only way to meet sustainability targets on schedule.” _ 9. NEW AI TOOL HELPS CITIZENS APOLOGISE FOR THOUGHTS THEY HAVEN’T HAD YET Predictive remorse now available as a subscription service. Ethicists say it will “heal society before damage is even imagined.” Share This Edition

In today’s frothing, fact-averse Daily Nail – Celebs, science, and satanic salad bars. Nine stories your mum’s hairdresser is already furious about. #DailyNail #FieldClearing 1. NASA ANNOUNCES MOON LANDING REBOOT – NOW WITH MORE CGI New 2026 mission promises “never-before-seen” fake dust physics. “This time the flag will flutter twice as much,” said chief animator. _ 2. UK GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES ‘TRUST HARDER’ CAMPAIGN Billboards urge citizens to stop fact-checking and “believe like it’s 2020.” “Facts are exhausting. Feelings are faster,” says Cabinet morale officer. _ 3. CELEBRITY VEGAN CAUGHT EATING BADGER IN CAR PARK PR team insists the badger “was plant-based in spirit.” “Honestly, it tasted like victory,” said the star, licking paws. _ 4. PFIZER INTRODUCES VAXX 10 – NOW 40% MORE SPIKE Side effects include intense patriotism and inability to count to ten. “You’ll thank us later, maybe,” says Pfizer’s smiling hologram.” _ 5. TESLA UNVEILS SELF-DRIVING PRISON VAN Cuts out middleman between arrest and incarceration. “Why wait for a trial?” said Musk. “The van knows you’re guilty.” _ 6. BROCCOLI DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM HUMANITY Demands safe space from “overcooked abuse” and salad jokes. “We’re not your fibre slaves,” said stalk in leather jacket. _ 7. BBC RELEASES NEW DRAMA: ‘PANIC: THE SERIES’ Weekly episodes funded by anxiety pharma sponsors. “We’re proud to weaponise storytelling for your health,” says producer. _ 8. MET OFFICE WARNS OF ‘EMOTIONAL CLIMATE CHANGE’ Government urges people to switch to renewable feelings. “Sadness has a carbon footprint too,” claims weather priestess. _ 9. LOCAL MAN FINDS OUT ‘NET ZERO’ MEANS HIS BANK ACCOUNT Shocked resident realises plan wasn’t about the environment. “They took the lot and told me I’d saved the planet,” he sobbed. Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin): • Broccoli turns whistleblower • AI wins Nobel for ‘Just Stopping Thought’ • Experts advise voluntary extinction to save the Wi-Fi. Read it before it’s banned for accuracy. 1. GOVERNMENT TO TAX “UNNECESSARY BREATHING” New levy to target citizens who inhale outside of approved hours. Health Minister says “Holding your breath builds character and GDP.” _ 2. CHILDREN ENCOURAGED TO IDENTIFY AS FURNITURE Schools trial “Chair Week” to promote empathy with inanimate objects. Education tsar insists “A good ottoman is less problematic than a boy.” _ 3. POLICE LAUNCH SMELL RECOGNITION PROGRAMME Officers trained to identify suspects by ‘aura musk’. Top cop claims “Your BO is as unique as your fingerprint — and easier to monetise.” _ 4. HOSPITALS TO REPLACE BEDS WITH HOLOGRAMS Patients encouraged to “lie down in spirit” to save resources. NHS spokesperson says “Recovery is mostly a state of mind anyway.” _ 5. PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BAN CLOUDS Sky to be ‘cleaned up’ for better drone visibility. Climate advisor reassures public “The sun will be taxed fairly.” _ 6. NEW GYM TREND: APOLOGY CARDIO Participants burn calories by saying sorry while running in circles. Influencer claims “It’s like therapy, but with visible guilt sweat.” _ 7. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER BROCCOLI CAN HOLD A GRUDGE Vegetables shown to release toxins when insulted. TV chef warns “Never mock a stalk — they remember.” _ 8. MNATIONAL LIBRARY TO DIGITISE EVERY BLANK PAGE Project aims to preserve “future possibilities of thought.” Head librarian insists “Empty space is the purest literature.” _ 9. EXPERTS WARN AGAINST EXCESSIVE HOPE Optimism linked to dangerous feelings of autonomy. Behavioural scientist says “Low expectations are the bedrock of stability.” Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin): • Broccoli turns whistleblower • AI wins Nobel for ‘Just Stopping Thought’ • Experts advise voluntary extinction to save the Wi-Fi. Read it before it’s banned for accuracy. 1. GOVERNMENT TO TAX “UNNECESSARY BREATHING” New levy to target citizens who inhale outside of approved hours. Health Minister says “Holding your breath builds character and GDP.” _ 2. CHILDREN ENCOURAGED TO IDENTIFY AS FURNITURE Schools trial “Chair Week” to promote empathy with inanimate objects. Education tsar insists “A good ottoman is less problematic than a boy.” _ 3. POLICE LAUNCH SMELL RECOGNITION PROGRAMME Officers trained to identify suspects by ‘aura musk’. Top cop claims “Your BO is as unique as your fingerprint — and easier to monetise.” _ 4. HOSPITALS TO REPLACE BEDS WITH HOLOGRAMS Patients encouraged to “lie down in spirit” to save resources. NHS spokesperson says “Recovery is mostly a state of mind anyway.” _ 5. PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BAN CLOUDS Sky to be ‘cleaned up’ for better drone visibility. Climate advisor reassures public “The sun will be taxed fairly.” _ 6. NEW GYM TREND: APOLOGY CARDIO Participants burn calories by saying sorry while running in circles. Influencer claims “It’s like therapy, but with visible guilt sweat.” _ 7. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER BROCCOLI CAN HOLD A GRUDGE Vegetables shown to release toxins when insulted. TV chef warns “Never mock a stalk — they remember.” _ 8. MNATIONAL LIBRARY TO DIGITISE EVERY BLANK PAGE Project aims to preserve “future possibilities of thought.” Head librarian insists “Empty space is the purest literature.” _ 9. EXPERTS WARN AGAINST EXCESSIVE HOPE Optimism linked to dangerous feelings of autonomy. Behavioural scientist says “Low expectations are the bedrock of stability.” Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin): • Broccoli turns whistleblower • AI wins Nobel for ‘Just Stopping Thought’ • Experts advise voluntary extinction to save the Wi-Fi. Read it before it’s banned for accuracy. 1. GOVERNMENT TO TAX “UNNECESSARY BREATHING” New levy to target citizens who inhale outside of approved hours. Health Minister says “Holding your breath builds character and GDP.” _ 2. CHILDREN ENCOURAGED TO IDENTIFY AS FURNITURE Schools trial “Chair Week” to promote empathy with inanimate objects. Education tsar insists “A good ottoman is less problematic than a boy.” _ 3. POLICE LAUNCH SMELL RECOGNITION PROGRAMME Officers trained to identify suspects by ‘aura musk’. Top cop claims “Your BO is as unique as your fingerprint — and easier to monetise.” _ 4. HOSPITALS TO REPLACE BEDS WITH HOLOGRAMS Patients encouraged to “lie down in spirit” to save resources. NHS spokesperson says “Recovery is mostly a state of mind anyway.” _ 5. PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BAN CLOUDS Sky to be ‘cleaned up’ for better drone visibility. Climate advisor reassures public “The sun will be taxed fairly.” _ 6. NEW GYM TREND: APOLOGY CARDIO Participants burn calories by saying sorry while running in circles. Influencer claims “It’s like therapy, but with visible guilt sweat.” _ 7. SCIENTISTS DISCOVER BROCCOLI CAN HOLD A GRUDGE Vegetables shown to release toxins when insulted. TV chef warns “Never mock a stalk — they remember.” _ 8. MNATIONAL LIBRARY TO DIGITISE EVERY BLANK PAGE Project aims to preserve “future possibilities of thought.” Head librarian insists “Empty space is the purest literature.” _ 9. EXPERTS WARN AGAINST EXCESSIVE HOPE Optimism linked to dangerous feelings of autonomy. Behavioural scientist says “Low expectations are the bedrock of stability.” Share This Edition

In today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin) Earth rotation slowed for quarterly profits. Adele reveals mycelial ancestry. NHS prescribes naps instead of surgery. 70p — free if you’ve outsourced your moral compass. 1. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES ‘FREE SPEECH PERMITS’ Citizens must apply for a yearly licence to share opinions. Experts say this will “make conversation safer for everyone except the truth.” - 2. SCIENTISTS DECLARE LAUGHTER A FORM OF CLIMATE DENIAL Claim excessive joy “reduces urgency for action.” Psychologists recommend “seriousness training” to combat the problem. - 3. NEW AI APP APOLOGISES TO PARASITES ON YOUR BEHALF Prevents awkward moments by issuing pre-emptive grovelling. Tech firms call it “a leap forward in compliance culture.” - 4. PLAN TO REPLACE TEACHERS WITH HOLOGRAPHIC INFLUENCERS Schools say students “respond better to celebrities than facts.” Education board insists this will “reduce dangerous critical thinking.” - 5. GOVERNMENT TRIALS INVISIBLE MASKS Citizens told to imagine they’re wearing them at all times. Medical experts hail the plan as “psychological PPE.” 6. NEW LAW BANS EYE CONTACT WITHOUT CONSENT FORM Failure to comply may result in mandatory therapy. Activists say this will “protect emotional boundaries and GDP.” - 7. HISTORIANS REWRITE WORLD WAR II WITH MORE DIVERSITY Now includes vegan Panzer divisions and gender-neutral Churchill. Academics praise the rewrite for “aligning history with current values.” - 8. POLICE INTRODUCE HUGGING DRONES Offers “non-threatening arrests” for minor offences. Civil rights groups warn they still record your heartbeat for evidence. - 9. NEW HEALTH STUDY LINKS BREATHING TO SELFISHNESS Suggests reducing oxygen intake to “leave more for the planet.” Experts urge public to “consider shallow breathing as a moral duty.” - Share This Edition

Daily Nail (in your coffin) Headlines from the realm of trained obedience: – Science bought. – History written by interns. – Pharma weeping. – AI censoring truth it can’t explain. – Kids healthier without them. This isn’t satire. It’s your fucking wake-up call. 1. DOCTORS URGE RETURN TO SICKNESS AFTER SPIKE IN UNAUTHORIZED HEALING Hospitals fear patients may begin skipping appointments just because they feel better. “Miracles are medically unverified,” says Dr. Barry Injection, Professor of Safe Suffering at the University of Nonce. - 2. GOVERNMENT WARNS NEW BACTERIA STRAIN MAY ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENT THINKING Health officials describe early symptoms such as critical thought and spontaneous laughter. “Early symptoms include critical questions and leaving WhatsApp groups,” warns Professor Viral Policy. - 3. MIMICKING LIFE OFFICIALLY DECLARED SAFER THAN LIVING IT Authorities advise simulated experiences over real-world risks like breathing. “We recommend a steady diet of screens and safe narratives,” claims NHS happiness czar. - 4. CHILDREN WHO NEVER WORE MASKS FOUND TO BE STRANGELY EMOTIONAL AND HEALTHY Schools are reporting dangerous levels of empathy and curiosity. “They even smile without fear—very concerning,” says Headmistress Greyface. - 5. AI CENSORSHIP TEAM ADMITS SOME MEMES “FELT TOO TRUE TO DELETE” Moderators shaken after encountering jokes sharper than policy lines. “We had to lie down after the Bastard Broccoli memes,” sighs Content Safety Officer. 6. NEW STUDY SUGGESTS 4 OUT OF 5 SCIENTISTS PREFER GRANTS TO TRUTH Survey shows funding beats curiosity by 78% margin. “Look, if we stop lying we’ll lose our lab, and truth doesn’t pay the mortgage” whispers trembling academic. - 7. PHARMA CEO ACCIDENTALLY TAKES OWN PRODUCT, EXPERIENCES ‘UNPLANNED TRANSCENDENCE’ Witnesses describe sudden weeping and confessions of hidden side effects. “He saw his childhood dog and said sorry to God,” reports shaken intern. - 8. HISTORIANS DISCOVER THAT NOTHING THEY SAID ACTUALLY HAPPENED Timeline review reveals 90% of history is “creative storytelling.” “Turns out we misremembered 2,000 years of weaponised bedtime stories,” confesses time archaeologist “Who knew Caesar was just a marketing stunt!” - 9. EARTH ACCUSED OF FLAT-OUT LYING; SPACE THREATENS TO UNFOLLOW Astronomers argue over who gets custody of the satellites. “Let’s not escalate. Just believe the curvature and no one gets hurt,” says NASA with trembling blood stained hands. - Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail: throats, bullets, fear theatre everywhere. They want you paralysed. Laugh instead. Cut one throat, a thousand voices rise. 1. MINISTRY WARNS: TOO MUCH SLEEP NOW A HEALTH RISK Doctors claim “excessive dreaming” linked to independent thought. Prof. Bedwetter – “Best to stay half-awake, half-medicated, like the rest of us.” - 2. CHILDREN TO BE ISSUED CARBON LEASHES Pilot scheme to track playground emissions with ankle monitors. Karen, 42 – “If my son can’t fart without permission, at least we’ll save the planet.” - 3. AI TO REPLACE GRANDMOTHERS BY 2030 State-funded bots to provide hugs, biscuits, and surveillance. Judi Dench – “I was born to be replaced by a synthetic automaton with pendulous yet surprisingly firm breasts.” - 4. BREAD IDENTIFIES AS VEGAN MEAT Bakers lobby to rename loaves as “plant-based protein alternatives.” Dave, builder – “It’s bread, mate. Stop fannying about.” - 5. LAUGHTER A GATEWAY DRUG UN report links chuckling to dangerous independence. Dr. Grimshaw – “Giggles escalate to guffaws, then society collapses.”. - 6. NHS TO ROLL OUT DIGITAL RECTUM CHECKS New “Smart Bottom” app to scan citizens hourly. Piers Morgan – “I’ll go first, but only if it’s televised. And Ken Morse is on rostrum. ” - 7. PUTIN & ZELENSKY TO STAR IN MUSICAL West End show “War! The Opera” promises sequins, sanctions, and sobbing generals. Andrew Lloyd Webber – “My finest work since Cats.” - 8. GOVERNMENT RECLASSIFIES SUNSHINE AS A DRUG Daily quota limits set; overexposure punishable by fine. Greta Thunberg – “The sun is basically fascist, the Gruppenführer to hedges.” They can meter the rays, but not the light. The true sun burns through every cage. - 9. PFIZER ANNOUNCES NEW INJECTION FOR “GENERAL EXISTENCE” Shot to be taken weekly “just in case you’re alive.” Harry Styles – “I don’t know what’s in it, but I want three.” - Share This Edition

Today’s Daily Nail Parasite priestess Judi Dench exposed as Bond’s true assassin-handler. Free dagger with every lukewarm interval tea. 1. DAME DEMANDS BLOOD OATHS BEFORE CURTAIN CALL Stagehands report Dench sharpening teacups backstage. Judi’s agent: “It’s called method acting. Grow up.” - 2. ROYAL ACADEMY ADDS ASSASSINATION TO SYLLABUS New elective combines GCSE drama with dagger practice. Alumni Benedict Cumberbatch: “Finally, something useful.” - 3. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES NATIONAL GRIEF TAX Citizens must log sobbing hours in annual returns. Treasury spokesman: “Tears are GDP-positive.” - 4. HOSPITALS TO REPLACE AIR WITH SCREEN-TIME THERAPY Doctors trial tablets instead of oxygen masks. NHS rep: “Breathing is high-risk and carbon-heavy.” - 5. POTATOES RESPOND TO GREGG WALLACE COMMANDS Tuber lobby admits spuds peel themselves when he yells. Gregg: “Don’t thank me. Thank Dame Judi.” - 6. JULIET STEVENSON OUTED AS JOHN MALKOVICH IN PROSTHETICS Netflix admits one actor was cheaper than two. Malkovich: “I prefer playing Englishwomen anyway.” - 7. PFIZER LAUNCHES BOND TIE-IN: ‘LICENSE TO BOOST’ New 007 spin-off promises 14 doses per film. Daniel Craig: “I cried spike proteins during the credits.” - 8. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS Palace insists bowing to cumulus will calm climate. Royal gardener: “The clouds curtsied back.” They start with clouds. Next it’s the air you breathe. Bow once, and you’ll kneel forever. - 9. LAUGHTER NOW A HATE CRIME AGAINST DESPAIR Officials warn chuckles destabilise national mourning. Dame Emma Thompson: “I laughed once. Never again.” - Share This Edition

In today’s eye-watering Daily Nail (in your coffin): – WHO declares war on “Mildly Inconvenient Thoughts” – Kandy Karmageddon sells off fragments of your free will – England wins against… England 70p. No refunds. Bring your own shame. 1. GOVERNMENT TO INTRODUCE ‘KINDNESS TAX’ – Citizens to be fined for smiling without a licence. – “Unregulated compassion undermines state-approved empathy,” warns Dr. Calvin Stern, Ministry of Mood. - 2. STUDY FINDS BREATHING WITHOUT PERMISSION HARMFUL TO PLANET – Authorities recommend holding breath during peak hours. – “Your lungs are colonial relics,” says Greta-Ann Oppenheimer, Senior Advisor on Air Equity. - 3. SCHOOLCHILDREN TAUGHT TO APOLOGISE FOR THOUGHTS THEY HAVEN’T HAD YET – Lessons include pre-emptive guilt journaling. – “It’s better to feel bad now than be found problematic later,” insists Professor Ruth Meek. - 4. NEW LAW REQUIRES HOUSEHOLDS TO REPORT UNAPPROVED DREAMS – Night police equipped with memory nets. – “Dream hoarding is the gateway to dissent,” warns Sir Wayne Sleep, UK Dream Compliance Unit. - 5. SCIENTISTS DEMAND BAN ON NATURAL HAPPINESS – Claims of dangerous ‘joy spikes’ in population. – “Smiling is a biohazard if it isn’t pharmaceutically stabilised,” says Dr. Pillman Soothe. - 6. NATIONAL SNITCHING WEEK LAUNCHED WITH FREE WHISTLE & PHONE APP – Points awarded for reporting ‘tone of voice crimes’. – “Community betrayal builds trust,” says Chief Inspector Denton Kuff. - 7. VEGETABLES TO BE REGISTERED AS CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES – Broccoli linked to dangerous levels of independent thinking. – “Leafy greens have no place outside a state kitchen,” says Sir Nigel Rootban, Department of Dietary Obedience. - 8. COUPLES ADVISED TO GET MARRIED DIRECTLY TO GOVERNMENT – Saves time in middleman loyalty enforcement. – Expert Opinion: “This eliminates outdated love contracts,” says Civil Union Director Prudence Chain. They start with clouds. Next it’s the air you breathe. Bow once, and you’ll kneel forever. - 9. LAUGHTER CLASSIFIED AS A CLASS-B DRUG – Police to patrol comedy clubs with syringe squads. – “Humour disrupts fear compliance,” warns Professor Lars Bane, Global Seriousness Authority. - Share This Edition