The Econolust Archive

From the same stable as The Daily Nail THE ECONOLUST A weekly ride of growth, innovation, and stakeholder fluidity in a time of unprecedented restructuring. Is collapse… a feature? Are billionaires… emergent properties? Can lettuce-based assets… crush volatility? 1. Inside this weeks Econolust: “THE NEXT TRILLION-DOLLAR OPPORTUNITY? Povertainment: Streaming Starvation for Profit” “IS CLIMATE COLLAPSE… GOOD FOR GDP?” New data shows drought may drive lettuce-based NFTs. — 2. “BILLIONAIRE BREEDING PROGRAM LAUNCHES IN DAVOS” Selective ejaculation for economic resilience. “THE RISE OF POST-HUMAN LEADERSHIP” Why CEOs should be algorithms. And probably already are. — 3. “THE FUTURE OF MONEY: NONE FOR YOU” How zero-currency zones can boost investor morale. “MONEY IS JUST A VIBE: MEET THE INFLUENCERS WHO TRADE IN ENERGY” Also meet their offshore accountants. — 4. “WOKE DEFLATION: HOW GENDER NEUTRALITY IS ERODING INTEREST RATES” A nine-page spread sponsored by BlackRock. “A NEW KIND OF POOR” Broke, barefoot, but brand loyal. — 5. “THE SINGULARITY IS NEAR — AND IT’S PAYWALLED” Read our exclusive 30-page AI supplement, free for subscribers with net worth over $40M. — Share This Edition

BREAKING: 🟥 ECONOLUST – Chet Bronkowitz Obituary Edition The markets mourn. The memes rally. A billionaire dies. A messiah rises. £9.11 at all good sacrifice points. “He was more than a friend. I’ll miss our backgammon and adrenochrome-huffing Thursdays.” — Elon Musk Clone 8Δ9 — 1. CHET BRONKOWITZ DEAD: ESG PANEL “WASN’T BOLTED DOWN” Chet’s $800M wellness bunker featured “ethical steel” that failed under light wind. “He died as he lived — carbon neutral and slightly smug.” — Klaus Schwab’s Eyebrow Groomer. — 2. STOCK MARKETS SOAR AS MOURNERS TOKENIZE GRIEF New asset class “MournCoin” surges 600% after eulogy livestream hits Twitch. “Loss is bullish.” — enthused Larry Fink in a black turtleneck. — 3. JETZIAH GROOMSTONE ANNOUNCED AS “REPLACEMENT BILLIONAIRE” Neuro-capitalist and barefoot crypto-shaman with a 400 IQ inherits Chet’s private helix fund. “She’s the first billionaire to cry in hexadecimal.” — Wired magazine — 4. BACKGAMMON & ADRENOCHROME THURSDAYS DECLARED “CULTURAL HERITAGE” Elon Musk Clone 8 Delta 9 launches foundation in Chet’s name. “He was more than a friend. He was a confidante. I’ll miss our backgammon and adrenochrome-huffing Thursdays.” — Elon Musk Clone 8Δ9 — 5. NESTLÉ WINS CONTRACT TO SUPPLY HOLY WATER FOR MEMORIAL Branded “Tears of Innovation™,” now available in stores for $33.33 “Chet would’ve loved this. He invented grief-vertising.” — Nestlé Head of Soul Liquids. — 5. NMEMORIAL LIVESTREAM INTERRUPTED BY DEEPFAKE OF CHET APOLOGIZING AI-generated confession triggers minor crypto panic. “We don’t know who made it, but the footage was monetized within 13 seconds.” — sighs Meta spokesbot Susan Sandwich the Third. — 5. BLACKROCK RELEASES “IN MEMORIAM” ETF Includes Chet’s favorite assets: lithium, loneliness, and leveraged sincerity. “His death is a rare opportunity to diversify.” — Bloomberg Mourning Strategist — 5. NATION OF MONACO DECLARES A WEEK OF “SYMBOLIC SILENCE” All economic data replaced with poetry for 7 days. “GDP remains unaffected because we say so” - hisses reptile in a meat suit. “We mourn in spreadsheets.” — Monaco’s Minister for Feeling — 5. FORBES NAMES CHET “MOST INFLUENTIAL DECEASED PERSON” Chet beats Jesus, Steve Jobs, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg in posthumous ranking. “We’ve updated the 30 Under 30 to include the recently expired.” — Forbes VP of NecroMetrics — Share This Edition

ECONOLUST III is here. The Guilt Economy is booming. Grief is currency. Joy is taxable. Greta and Groomstone launch the Shame Index. Statham refuses to apologise. Ethical Poverty™ is now live. The Economist dies in compostable shoes. 1. SHAME INDEX HITS RECORD HIGH AS GUILT DERIVATIVES SPLIT 3:1 Investors flock to low-yield remorse assets as traditional joy instruments face regulatory scrutiny. “This isn’t a crash. This is ethical recalibration,” says central bank empathy coordinator. — 2. GRETA LAUNCHES VEGAN NFT SERIES: “FUNGIBLE SIN” Each mint offsets one microaggression and includes a digital log stamped with remorse. “It’s not just an NFT. It’s a moment of personal accountability in JPEG form.” – Greta Thunberg, Chief Rage Economist, WEF Youth Unit. — 3. GLOBAL “SORRY” EXCHANGE OPENS IN DAVOS Trade apologies for status credits. Crying on camera yields bonus tokens. “We’ve long known apology is a soft asset. The SORRY Exchange simply formalises emotional liquidity.” – Claudia Drek, Senior Regret Strategist, BlackStain Partners — 4. ECONOMY SHIFTS TO FULL-TIME MOURNING SECTOR Job growth explodes in Woke Grief Management and Ancestral Reparations Consulting. “I used to be a DJ. Now I facilitate ancestral grief circles in repurposed Pret a Mangers. It pays better.” – Kash Sadhan, 34, Certified Griefpreneur — 5. JETZLAH GROOMSTONE APPOINTED ETHICAL CENTRALIZER His AI ‘OPTIMAX’ to issue daily self-flagellation quotas via braincloud alerts. “If you’re not self-flagellating, you’re simply not listening to your shadow.” – Jetzlah Groomstone, Ethical Centralizer, Founder of HurtCoin™ — 6. WORLD BANK ROLLS OUT “IMPACT STARVATION” BONDS Investors profit from your suffering — now with carbon-negative dividends “Every time I skip a meal, I know my sacrifice is helping a hedge fund reach net zero. It gives me purpose.” – Chantelle D’Wrath, 38, Single Mother of Four — 7. EXCESSIVE RESILIENCE NOW CLASSIFIED AS HOARDING New lockdown for mentally independent begins next Thursday. “Resilience without permission is selfish. We must collectivise coping.” – Dr. Penelope Varnish, Lead Psychoregulator, Ministry of Emotional Containment — 8. “I’ve gotta rent my own f**king regret in a biodegradable pod? And some 24-year-old neuro-muppet in a hemp toga fines me for feeling good? Nah. I’ll be in the woods, barefoot, eating raw steak and laughing at clouds. Cancel me? Bring a clipboard. And a helmet.” - Jason Statham. — Share This Edition

ECONOLUST — Issue #5: The Year of Infinite Boost Markets are booming. Brains are melting. Pfizer’s got an ETF, and Jason Statham just shorted your soul. 9 headlines from the simulation’s economic collapse… but made funny. 👇 Inject and enjoy. 1. “BoE Announces Interest Rates Will Now Be Determined by Public Mood Swings” The Central Bank says it will “monitor vibes” instead of inflation metrics. “I cried at a Pret ad, then my mortgage rate doubled.” — Tessa Numb, 34, emotional support barista — 2. “Pfizer Unveils ‘Booster NFT’ That Updates Itself With Each New Variant” Collectors say it’s like Pokémon, but with myocarditis. “I got holographic Omicron and a mild stroke.” — Logan Ethereal, 29, TikTok virologist — 3. “UK Launches Contactless Tax – Your Wallet Just Pays When Near a Government Building” The Treasury calls it “proactive contribution tech.” “My Tesco meal deal now costs £47.” — Clive Spoons, 51, salad technician — 4. “Goldman Sachs Introduces Emotion-Backed Derivatives” Prices soar when clients feel horny, guilty, or both. “Markets rallied after I wept during Succession.” — Jeremy Blent, 41, hedge fund empath — 5. “AI Trading Bots Now Legally Eligible to Run for Office in Switzerland” The first candidate is sponsored by Novo Nordisk and WEF Kids™. “He’s honest, unkillable, and very bullish.” — Anneliese Borg, 58, Crypto Midwife — 6. “World Economic Forum Endorses ‘Digital Poverty Credits’ for Virtue Traders” Get rewarded for your austerity with blockchain praise. “I eat nothing but lentils and anxiety. I’m a Level 3 Humanitarian now.” — Stuart Veganstein, 36, pronoun miner — 7. “Amazon to Begin Delivering Organs Within 12 Hours for Prime Elite Members” Returns accepted only if unused and in original box. “Got a kidney by lunchtime. Slightly woke, but functional.” — Chantelle Proctor, 40, lifestyle influencer & ankle investor — 8. “UN Declares Satire a Form of Economic Terrorism” Laughter now monitored under global compliance codes. “I only joke in decimals now.” — Malcolm Yell, 64, compliance bard — 9. “Statham ETF Outperforms All Markets After He Threatens the Algorithm With a Wrench” Analysts cite “masculine volatility and tactical banter.” “He bought the dip, slapped it, and sold it back with interest.” — Dr. Sasha Brutons, 43, AI-Market Psychologist — Share This Edition