Today’s Daily Nail (in your coffin): Govt streamlines death. 9 fresh headlines to celebrate bureaucracy’s final victory. 🗞️👇
1.LABOUR PARTY TO REPLACE MPs WITH CHATBOTS
Voters unlikely to notice any difference.
Keir Starmer, 63, PM – “010101… Daddy.”
—
2. WHORE OF BABYLON SIGNS BOOK DEAL
BBC ANNOUNCES NEW CHILDREN’S SHOW: ‘UNCLE NEEDLES’
Puppet teaches kids to trust injections.
Ant & Dec, 49, presenters – “It’s Saturday night takeaway… permanently.”
—
3. FCOUNCILS TO INSTALL SPEED CAMERAS IN HOSPICES
Dying residents warned against “rushing the process.”
Nigel Farage, 61, politician – “Bloody marvellous – fines even after death.”
—
4. MWAITROSE TO SELL PRE-TOASTED BREAD FOR BUSY MOURNERS
Saves grieving families “those wasted 90 seconds.”
Mary Berry, 90, baker – “Crisp, but emotionally soggy.”
—
5. NEW ‘DEATH APP’ TRACKS YOUR DECLINE IN REAL TIME
Push notifications when you’re almost done.
Professor Brian Cox, 57, fraudulent star-gazer — “Death is just cosmic admin. With jazz hands.”
—
6. GOVT TO OFFER ‘BUY ONE DIE ONE FREE’ DEAL
Bring a friend, save on paperwork.
Gary Barlow, 54, singer — “Take That? Take coffin.”
—
7. NHS TRIALS NEW “EXPRESS EXIT” LANE
Fast-track patients skip waiting lists entirely.
Sir Keir Starmer, 63, Prime Minister — “Labour values mean dying faster, fairer, together.”
—
8. UK FUNERAL HOMES TO PARTNER WITH DELIVEROO
Ashes dropped at your door in under 30 minutes.
Jamie Oliver, 50, chef — “Beautiful, simple, rustic urns. Bish bash bosh.”
—
9. NEW SMART COFFINS COME WITH WI-FI AND A SUBSCRIPTION PLAN
Families can visit you through augmented reality ads.
Elon Musk, 54, innovator — “It’s basically a Tesla, but underground.”
