🗞️ Today’s Daily Nail goes full apocalypse.
Miss Arizona crowned Queen of Babylon, Alan Carr rejects adrenochrome, and even Palpatine admits evil’s gone cartoon.
Revelations rewritten as slapstick — no saviours, just satire.
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1. GOVERNMENT CONFIRMS FOUR HORSEMEN ON ZERO-HOURS CONTRACTS
Budget cuts mean Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death must bring their own horses.
📸 Linda, 47, HR manager – “They still get more benefits than me.”
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2. RIVERS TURN TO BLOOD — THAMES WATER PROMISES PRICE RISES
Company blames “unforeseen end-times leakage.”
📸 Nigel Farage, 60, politician – “At least it’s British blood, not foreign.”
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3. ANGEL WITH SEVEN TRUMPETS JOINS BRASS BAND IN LUTON
Locals complain it’s “too apocalyptic” for a Sunday afternoon.
📸 Darren, 33, kebab shop owner – “I just wanted Don’t Stop Believin’, not Doomsday in B-flat.”
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4. NEW WHORE OF BABYLON RANGE AT PRIMARK
Includes scarlet leggings, pearl accessories, and free devil horn scrunchie.
📸 Stacey Solomon, 34, TV personality – “They wrap abominations in sequins and call it affordable.”
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5. APOCALYPSE DELAYED AS BEAST FAILS MOT
Scarlet Jaguar reportedly “hooning about” without emissions paperwork.
📸 Jason Statham, 57, actor – “Told you Mondeos don’t pass prophecy checks.”
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6. ANTICHRIST SPOTTED IN ALDI MIDDLE AISLE
He was reportedly eyeing up a chainsaw and a set of patio heaters.
📸 Mavis, 72, retired dinner lady – “I knew it weren’t Jesus, he didn’t queue proper.”
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7. LOCUST PLAGUE DISRUPTS LOVE ISLAND FILMING
Producers say ratings have “never been higher.”
📸 Gemma, 22, influencer – “They ate my bikini but left the ring light, so that’s fine.”
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8. APOCALYPSE HORNS NOW AVAILABLE ON NHS
New scheme gives everyone a free pair of devil horns for end-of-days participation.
📸 Piers Morgan, 60, TV host – “Finally, a headpiece that suits me.”
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9. TRUMPETS SOUND — WETHERSPOONS CUSTOMERS IGNORE
Doom heralded, but £2.50 pint deal keeps punters calm.
📸 Terry, 51, plasterer – “End of the world? Pint first, questions later.”
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