Tonight’s Daily Nail — Whore of Babylon special.
Revelation rewritten by tabloid hacks, celebrity twats, and Jason Statham’s Mondeo.
9 headlines, 9 horns, 0 survivors.
1. SEVEN TRUMPETS NOW AVAILABLE AS RINGTONES
End-times heralds modernised for iPhone users.
• Sharon, 62, dental hygienist – “Mine sounds like a kazoo but it still makes me repent.”
• Ollie, 27, crypto trader – “Downloaded it but the beast keeps draining my battery.”
• Alan Carr, 48, comedian – “Honestly, darling, I’d rather toot my own horn.”
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2. WHORE OF BABYLON SIGNS BOOK DEAL
Memoir to be published by Penguin, complete with branded tiara.
• Graham, 45, taxi driver – “She charged me twenty quid just to get in the cab.”
• Melissa, 34, Pilates instructor – “Chapter 7 was mostly Instagram filters.”
• David Icke, 72, prophet – “Told you it was publishing all along.”
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3. FOUR HORSEMEN REBRANDED AS WELLNESS COACHES
Death now offering cold-plunge retreats in Ibiza.
• Chloe, 29, influencer – “I booked Famine for my juice cleanse.”
• Barry, 51, lorry driver – “War charged me £500 for kettlebells.”
• Ricky Gervais, 64, comedian – “Nothing funnier than Pestilence on a yoga mat.”
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4. MARK OF THE BEAST NOW COMPATIBLE WITH CONTACTLESS
Tap your forehead, earn loyalty points.
• Janet, 71, pensioner – “It gets me 10% off at Greggs.
• Tom, 36, IT consultant – “It’s basically Apple Pay with horns.”
• Stormzy, 32, rapper – “Man’s not hot, man’s branded.”
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5. APOCALYPSE DELAYED DUE TO RAIN
Second coming rescheduled to avoid clashing with Bake Off final.
• Margaret, 84, retired librarian – “The Antichrist can wait, I’ve got scones in.”
• Andy, 59, aikido teacher – “Timing’s always off when demons run the calendar.”
• Piers Morgan, 60, broadcaster – “I’ll debate the horsemen any time, live on TalkTV.”
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6. NEW JERUSALEM NOW A GATED COMMUNITY
Entry requires proof of spiritual equity and a council tax banding.
• Helen, 44, estate agent – “It’s location, location, revelation.”
• Rob, 58, quant – “Service charges are biblical.”
• Russell Brand, 50, podcaster – “They say it’s a city of light, but I’ve seen the meter running.”
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7. LOCUST PLAGUE ACCUSED OF CULTURAL APPROPRIATION
Critics say they’ve stolen the aesthetic of vegan food festivals.
• Emily, 23, student – “I thought it was a protein pop-up.”
• Sid, 41, barman – “Noisy little bastards ate my crisps.”
• Greta Thunberg, 22, activist – “How dare you swarm.”
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8. LAKE OF FIRE NOW OPEN FOR TOURISM
Half-price entry with Nectar card.
• Phil, 67, retired miner – “It’s basically Butlins but warmer.”
• Sophie, 34, travel blogger – “Loved the infinity flames.”
• Jason Statham, 58, actor – “Sometimes I think about curtains. You know, the ones that don’t quite meet in the middle.”
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9. ANTICHRIST DENIES RELATIONSHIP WITH AI
Insists he only uses ChatGPT for meal plans and sermon prep.
• Darren, 39, builder – “Sounds like a cover-up to me.”
• Clare, 47, HR manager – “My chatbot’s evil enough, thanks.”
• Elon Musk, 54, tech oligarch – “I’ll be launching my own Messiah in beta soon.”
