🪦 Today’s Daily Nail: Euthanasia Special
When Lords praise bum sex as climate policy and paracetamol becomes the £2 miracle cure for £200bn lies… you know the script’s gone full coffin comedy.
1. NHS TO OFFER “CARBON-FRIENDLY SUICIDE PODS” IN TESCO CAR PARKS
Officials say convenient locations will “reduce travel emissions.”
📣 Lorraine Kelly, 64, TV host: “I’d like mine next to the frozen peas—saves time.”
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2. KING CHARLES DEMANDS CURTSEYS TO CLOUDS
Palace insists bowing to vapour will “heal climate grief.”
📣 Gemma Collins, 44, reality star: “I already bow to my vape—same difference.”
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3. GOVERNMENT WARNS: SUNSHINE NOW CLASSIFIED AS CLASS A DRUG
Daily quota set at 15 minutes; overexposure punishable by carbon fine.
📣 Greta Thunberg, 22, activist: “The sun is basically fascist—the Gruppenführer of hedges.”
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4. BBC UNVEILS NEW REALITY SHOW: WHO WANTS TO BE EUTHANASED?
Contestants compete for a “dignified exit” and a luxury urn.
📣 Simon Cowell, 65, TV judge: “I’ll buzz you out myself if you’re boring.”
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5. PFIZER LAUNCHES “BOOSTER VAPE” FOR TEENS
Nicotine, spike protein and glitter—“wellness in every puff.”
📣 Billie Eilish, 23, singer: “It tastes like trauma with a hint of raspberry.”
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6. ARMY TO DEPLOY “GENDER-NEUTRAL BAYONETS” IN NEXT WAR
Officials say pointy objects risk offending identities.
📣 Jeremy Clarkson, 65, TV presenter: “Back in my day, bayonets were proudly binary.”
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7. WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM ANNOUNCES “DIGITAL FAMINE FESTIVAL”
Tickets £999; includes vegan dust tasters and VR starvation.
📣 Idris Elba, 53, actor: “It’s immersive, but the toilets are shocking.”
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8. SCHOOLCHILDREN TO BE ISSUED “TRUTH FILTERS” AT BIRTH
AI lenses automatically translate reality into government-approved fiction.
📣 Davina McCall, 58, presenter: “Mine just tells me to smile harder.”
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9. EXPERTS CONFIRM: TREES ARE “TOXIC TO PLANET”
Carbon leaks from bark “worse than diesel fumes.”
📣 David Attenborough, 99, broadcaster: “Nature is trying to kill us—I knew it all along.”
