🩸 The Daily Nail — July 30, 2025
“Pinning the Parasite, One Punchline at a Time.”
In today’s Daily Nail:
Pfizer Launches New Pill to Cure Doubt.
Clinical trials show 97% compliance, 3% disappeared.
Regulators advise taking it before watching any independent media.
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1. Russell Brand Declares War on ‘The System’ from Inside Custom-Designed Studio Owned by The System
“You’ve got to awaken within your cage, mate,” he whispers, sipping Nestlé-branded kombucha.
Experts recommend more carefully curated rebellion sponsored by YouTube Premium.
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2. NASA Finds Water on Mars; Still Can’t Find a Single Real Photograph of Earth
Agency responds: “The globe is a fact, we’ve invested in a lot of green screen tech to prove this”
adding “Globe Earth denial is a sign of anti-science extremism,” recommends boosters and belief.
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3. Jordan Peterson Breaks Down in Tears After Accidentally Admitting God Isn’t a Self-Help Strategy
“It’s just… really not about cleaning your room.”
Clinical psychologists recommend journaling, repentance, and sorting your socks.
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4. Greta Thunberg Receives Lifetime Achievement Award from BlackRock for Outstanding Performance in Carbon-Based Control Theatre
“She’s inspired billions to do nothing while feeling morally superior.”
Climate experts recommend donating your sovereignty to save the whales.
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5. Yuval Harari’s Hologram Upgraded With Emotion Patch v6.66
Now sneers in five dialects of disdain.
WEF recommends immediate firmware update for all unelected technocrats.
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6. BBC Accidentally Airs Truth for 14 Seconds, Immediately Blamed on ‘Hackers’ and ‘Sunspots’
Viewers report nausea, clarity, and spontaneous rage against tax-funded lies.
Ofcom advises immediate viewing of 12 hours of state-approved content to rebalance mood.
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7. Lex Fridman Begins New Podcast Series: “Almost Asking the Real Questions”
First guest: Satan. Topic: ‘How do you manage your calendar?’
MIT recommends continued funding of well-behaved artificial curiosity.
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8. Woke Activist Accidentally Speaks from the Heart, Immediately Cancelled for ‘Unscripted Empathy’
Twitter mob demands reprogramming. Netflix offers documentary deal.
Diversity consultants advise mandatory emotion pre-screening and pronoun insurance.
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