In today’s explosive Daily Nail “It’s Definitely Not the Vax” edition—with expert endorsements from the ministry of truth-fuckery
WALKING TOO QUICKLY CAUSES STROKES, EXPERTS WARN
Especially if you’re thinking critically at the same time
CDC recommends shuffling slowly in fear.
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1. TURBO CANCER SPIKE IN 12-YEAR-OLDS LINKED TO RISING COST OF LIVING
👉 The stress of inflation now officially carcinogenic.
WHO says inflation is a known carcinogen.”
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2. WHY EATING EGGS IN THE MORNING MIGHT TRIGGER HEART ATTACKS
👉 Scramble your breakfast, scramble your myocardium.
👉 Imperial College urges toast-only breakfasts until 2040.
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3. HEALTH OFFICIALS BAFFLED BY ‘SUMMER FLU’ THAT CAUSES BLOOD CLOTS AND DEATH
👉 Definitely not the spike-shaped elephant in the bloodstream.
👉 NHS advises fresh air may need regulating.
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4. WOMAN DIES OF “JOY OVERLOAD” AFTER SEEING PUPPY VIDEO ONLINE
👉 Experts advise limiting exposure to cuteness to avoid thrombosis.
EU Health Board calls for emotional content warnings.
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5. DOCTORS SAY STANDING UP TOO FAST COULD BE FATAL
👉 Try lying down forever. Just in case.
Johns Hopkins recommends remaining seated until autopsy.
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6. BATHS RECALLED AFTER RASH OF DROWNINGS AND STROKES
👉 New NHS guidance: shower with a helmet on.
FDA advises dry shampoo and despair.
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7. NEW STUDY: SUDDEN ADULT DEATH SYNDROME CAUSED BY TOO MUCH EXERCISE
👉 Running from lies is now hazardous to health.
WHO encourages indoor rest and daily Pfizer.
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8. YOUNG MAN DIES AFTER THINKING FOR HIMSELF – FRIENDS BLAME INTERNET
Authorities urge return to BBC and safe thoughts.
👉 Imperial College urges tighter control of dangerous free thought.
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